We've got tribulation, my good sir

We've got tribulation in Schmigadoon

Look down there, do you see what I see?

Peanut shells in the street

Lying there like passed out drunks in the gutter

Turning town square into the floor of a saloon

The home of loose women and hooch-happy sinners

A petting pantry in the middle of the street

Is that what our town's become?

Is that the future we want for our children?

I'm tellin' ya, things have changed

Ever since those two outsiders waltzed in

With their big city ways and their newfangled ideas

Promiscuity and depravity

Interlopers interloping with hearts colder than the hinges of hell

First the two of them arrived unmarried

Brimming with lust, wanting to share a bed

Then a brazen display at the basket auction

Now the Mayor's out proclaiming his perversions

At the root of it all are two strangers

Who've never cracked a Bible in their life

And that's gonna lead to tribulation and strife

Now I've got nothing against outsiders

Provided they're the right kind of people

Kind of folk who look and talk and act like us

Peas in a pod and birds of a feather

Not loud-mouthed trash with their tommyrot and flapdoodle

Claptrap and fiddle faddle and jiggery pokery

Stirring up the cream while you're waiting for it to settle

Like vermin in the root cellar, flies in the buttermilk

And they're influencing, there I said it

They're influencing your children

Like an earwig crawling from their ears to their brains

And soon your young-uns'll be neglecting chores

Milk going sour unstrained in the springhouse

Backtalk at dinner, no time for the good book

Ragtime blaring on the Victrola

And that's just the beginning, folks

Soon you won't even, no, you won't

No, you won't even recognize your own town

I'm talking about neon signs

Smoke-filled rooms

Billiard parlors and painted ladies

Wanton women having children out of wedlock

Rowdy men using filthy language

The devil himself dancing on your front porch

Stealing your babies from their cribs at midnight

Cows and sheep having amorous congress

Children with the mark of the beast on their foreheads

All thanks to these two out-of-towners

Dr. Skinner and Miss Gimble

Better hold on to your husband

Best keep an eye on your wife

'Cause there's gonna be some tribulation and strife

Oh, we've got strife (Got strife)

And tribulation (Tribulation)

And not to mention, miscegenation (That sounds bad)

Let's pray the Lord (Pray the Lord)

Will save us soon (Save us soon)

'Cause we've got strife and tribulation in Schmigadoon

Strife! Strife! Strife! Strife! (Strife! Strife! Strife! Strife!)

I can't hear y'all! (Strife! Strife! Strife! Strife!)

I love this town

Y'all know my great-great-granddaddy founded Schmigadoon

When he came upon this beautiful tract of land and said, "They'll never find us here"

It pains me, oh, it pains me to see our town slipping away right before our very eyes

I tried to alert the Mayor, but his mind was elsewhere

In his pants

His poor wife was so ashamed she locked herself inside her house

And this time, on purpose

I'm sorry, Florence

New leadership

That's what Schmigadoon needs

But who?

Who has the moral wherewithal, the traditional how-to

The good-old-fashioned, all-American je ne sais quoi to stand up to these two outsiders? (Mildred Layton for Mayor!)

I couldn't (Mildred Layton for Mayor!)

I wouldn't (Mildred Layton for Mayor!)

Okay, I'll do it

It's time to vote (To vote)

And vote for Layton (Vote for Layton)

She's the only one who'll save our town from Satan (Save us now)

Let's hope that she (Hope that she)

Will save us soon (Save us soon)

'Cause we've got strife and tribulation (Strife and tribulation)

Grief and consternation (Grief and consternation)

Strife and tribulation in Schmigadoon