Good evening. Please welcome, from Boston, Steven Wright!

Thanks

When I was a little kid, I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I died, I could say, "Unquote."

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Lots of my friends have babies but I don't have any babies but I have lots of friends. Babies don't have any friends

They all have those baby monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping

Someday, there's gonna be a really smart baby that makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises. Gonna crawl out the window and go to Italy

I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what I'm really thinking about

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with. Just to screw with my subconscious

It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages. Otherwise, those people would have no one to talk to

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When I was in first grade, the teacher told us that the president was married to the First Lady and all I could think of was, "Wow, I wonder if she ever saw any dinosaurs."

She tells about Michelangelo and the Sistine Chapel and that day, I went home. I was laying at the top of my bunk bed, looking at the ceiling and I'm thinking, "Why not?"

My brother's pushing the bed around. "Give me more aqua!"

I did Jesus and Santa Claus on a seesaw

I had Jesus on the low end even though He weighed less. 'cause He's Jesus

Jesus pissed off a lot of people, you know? "Will you stop turning the water into wine? I'm trying to take a shower."

What did Jesus ever do for Santa Claus on his birthday?

Don't think about it. It doesn't mean anything

You know, the New Testament is pretty old

I think they should call 'em the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament

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You know when you look at a star, it may not even be there anymore 'cause it takes so long for the light to get from there to here? Maybe it's gone, it just looks like it's still there? That's how I see my old girlfriends

Imagine if lightbulbs worked like that

"I thought I told you to shut that light off."

"I did. It should be out by Friday."

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The universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic

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Imagine Pulitzer Prizefighting. See two writers beating the shit out of each other

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears

Imagine OshKosh straitjackets for little insane children. "Stay away from Jimmy."