For you

Who haven't been here before

Welcome to the shrine of my ego

May-June

For you it's only two months

But it's enough time to prove I'm immortal

When we're all living in the aftermath

Remember me as Columbia's Chernobyl

Let's get to the point

I'm trying to prove this music scene sucks

If me and Hayden can run the fucking show

With some bullshit thrown together a week ago

Then darling this ain't it

Your pillars of indie alternative PC

Goth-wave and shoegaze

And jam bands and DJs

They all deserve to be rubble

I'm taking the temple down with me

You'll see

I am the harbinger of the end times

I'm here to herald destruction

I'm just fucking around

But if no one's going to call a spade a spade

Or bad art "bad art"

Then what the fuck are we doing here?

This song is bad right?

It's bad right?

Bad-bad right?

Right?

Don't make me laugh

I see you all showed up here

In your Saturday's best

You picked out clothes for the house show

Thinking everyone would be impressed

You got complimented at the door

"Damn you really know how to dress"

Don't make me laugh

Don't you forget your place

You are only just a guest

Don't make me laugh

This is not a laughing affair

Treat this like Art Bar on a Tuesday night

There's nothing to laugh about there

We've been practicing our deadpans

Check out Hayden he never cracks a smile

So don't make us laugh

Unless you're also willing to make us cry

We haven't cried in awhile

Oh so you play party punk

When was the last time you did a set in a living room?

When was the last time you did all those antics

Without rehearsing what you'd do?

We all know where to find you

Setting up ladders at the Arts and Draughts stage

Don't make me laugh

You gave those folks quite a show

But all they saw was a wasted cake

Oh so you play dark-wave now

Don't make me laugh

We know where you'd rather be

At the Valley Bear festival

Flowers in your hair

Covering Big Thief

Do I make you laugh?

Do the tears come to your eyes

Do they stream down your cheeks?

Well I know we're all used to fake strength

And feigned humility

But trust me I'm just angry

I'm just

I'm just

I'm just kidding

Looks like we've got a tough guy

Giving girls black eyes

Dancing to Opus and the Frequencies

Make sure when you're in the pit

You save me those fists

Save one for me

Looks like we've got a badass

Madame Psychopath

Frontboy for Charlie Man

Maybe now's not the time

But between you and I

I would like to make some dinner plans

How about the Whig?

Looks like we've got a drunk dude

Going by May-June

Making his friends his enemies

"Have you ever seen such insecurity?"

"He must be compensating for something"

Shut the fuck up

I am perfect

He's only got a few more songs

Then he's gone

Off to go edit Baby's first YouTube apology

Don't forget to Like

And Subscribe

Looks like we've got an interlude

Our neighborhood is getting ugly

Our neighbors are getting mean

And yeah there's some bad stuff

Going on across the pond

But a small guy in a big shirt

Is the shot that sparked World War Three

It doesn't matter if you're black or you're white

It doesn't matter if you marched or celebrated Pride

It doesn't matter if there's a gap between your thighs or you're plus-sized

History is going to remember all Americans as being on the same side

Don't make me laugh

This is not a funny time

Don't make me laugh

We've been laughing laughing laughing

Our whole lives

Baby doesn't like when you go before Baby is done

Baby doesn't like when you don't dance to Baby's new song

Baby doesn't like when you don't pay attention to Baby

Baby doesn't like when you don't like Baby

Baby doesn't like when you take Baby's jokes personally

Baby doesn't like when you hear Baby's verse and then leave

Baby doesn't like when you don't care about Baby's set

Baby doesn't like when you don't like Baby

Baby doesn't like when you choose her and not him

Baby doesn't like when you choose him and not Baby

Baby doesn't like any other girls or boys

Baby doesn't like when Baby is viewed as a choice

Baby doesn't like when others have relationships

Baby doesn't like when others have sex without Baby

Baby doesn't like when Baby has sex with anybody

Maybe Baby doesn't really like sex

Baby doesn't like when you do Instagram photo dumps

Baby doesn't like when you don't use pictures of him

Baby doesn't like how Baby looks in pictures of Baby

Baby doesn't really like Baby

Baby doesn't like when Baby doesn't like

Baby doesn't like when Baby doesn't like

Baby doesn't like when Baby

Baby needs a mic

Or Baby might take his life

Baby might tonight

Baby Baby Baby

Baby go wah

Who am I

Who am I

I'm whatever you want to call me

I'm whichever name comes to mind

I fit every description

Who's this guy

Who's this man

Who sings like another McCollum

Drinks like he's all of Bar None

And looks like a Holocaust-version of Austin Syms

I'm two truths and a lie

I'm that demon you've heard is lurking

The one here to fuck every lesbian

Run for president

And never tips at Transmission

I'm a snowflake

I'm a mandrake

I'm a festival lineup

Where you've only heard a few bands in tiny print

I'm just another guy

Who am I

Who are we

We're Columbia's next viral trend

We've worked for years and years

To earn our fifteen seconds

Would you look at the time

Someone in your circle

Probably has a crush on me or him

And I'm here to repay the favor

And fuck all of your friends

Add me on Snapchat

Though I'm better in person

If this set ever ends and I'm packing my shit

Come tell just how much you hated it

It's one long song

It's nearly done

We don't have an encore planned

So meet us in the autograph line with our fans

Entertainers

We are all just

Celebrate us

While we are young

We'll be long gone

By the next month

You won't find us

At our old jobs

We'll be burning

New England churches

And building new ones

Out of gold dust

And stealing airplane

From the Air Force

And flying them back here on Friday nights

To watch Stereo Fiction

Just in case you never see us again

Hold this moment

For twenty years down the line

When you're searching the Metaverse

To find what happened to that guy with his friend

And you may fear the worst

Unless you recall this final verse

Because you won't find me

I'll be with my family

In Oslo or Bergen

I'll be happy

Telling them all about the night

I felt like a god

Columbia

I have lived here long enough

I have had the opportunity to fall in love

And out of it

I have hurt

I have healed

And now I'm hurting again

I apologize for all the damage that I've done

And recognize that I may not be done

Doing it

I want to take you all out to the Riverwalk

Or a Firefly's game

I want to catch a foul ball

And divvy it up

Like it's our inheritance

I want to open up a tab

And pay for everyone's drink

No thanks

Nothing for me

For once in my life I am happy to DD

When I climb out of this hole I've dug myself in

And clean off the mud I am wearing

Mark my words

I will buy every local band's T-shirt

And wear them until they are nothing

So for the rest of my life

I can say

I'm still supporting them

Can we all acknowledge

How fucked up it is

That I'm the first to say

"Columbia, well done"

You aborted me

But I grew in your sewer

Now I'm back at your door

I'm your son

No denying me

We look nothing alike

But our blood is just right

I've never asked you for anything

So please kill me

Maim me

Strip me of vanity

Shave my head on my birthday

Stab me

Cut me

Break me in two

Bite my lips off and chew

Gore me

Vore me

Grab my nipples and twist

Let my face meet your first

Level me

Tar and feather me

Throw my body into the Broad river

Or you could just take me back in

You could tuck me into bed

You could kiss my forehead

And say "Goodnight"

"Sweet dreams"