Thrown Out of a Bar

It's Ron's turn (alright)

I'm going to let you guys pick tonight

He can either tell

Either tell the story about

Remember when they put the bingay in his grandmother's girdle?

Or the time he got thrown out of the bar in New York City?

Oh yeah, bingay, they got to go to the bar

New York

All right, New York

I got thrown out of a bar in New York City

Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar

I don't mean somebody asked me to leave

And we walked to the door together and

I said, "Bye everybody, I gotta go"

Six bouncers hurled me out of a nightclub like I was a frisbee

Those big ole New York bouncers

That think bouncing's a cool job to have

They just think about bouncing

They hang out with other bouncers talking about bouncing

They go home every night and watch Road House and fondle themselves

For wearing a hat, I walk into a bar with a hat on

This guy real pissed, he goes, "Take off the hat!"

And I'm like, "What's the deal?"

He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is

Gay people in this area wear hats

We're trying to keep them out of our club"

I'm like, "Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas

Is if they have their hair cut like yours"

And he got all pissed

But he walked away and I took the hat off

And like an hour later I'd been drinking and I forgot

You ever forget? Happened to me

I put the hat back on, the guy comes over to me now

I'm between 6'1" and 6'6"

Depending on which convenience store I'm leaving

I weighed 230 pounds, a guy comes over to me

Poking me in the shoulder with two fingers

Says, "You're out of here"

I was like, "I don't think so, scooter"

And I was wrong

They hurled me out of that bar

And then they squared off with me in the parking lot

And I backed down from the fight

"Cause I don't know how many of them it would've taken

To whip my ass

But I knew how many they were gonna use

That's a handy little piece of information

To have right there

Well, they called the police 'cause we broke a chair

On the way out the door and I refused to pay for it

I refused to pay for it because we broke it over my thigh

The cops showed up and at that point

I had the right to remain silent

But I didn't have the ability

The cop says, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public"

I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"

I was drunk in a bar

They threw me into public

I don't want to be drunk in public

I want to be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal

Arrest them

Well, he didn't arrest them

Instead, he made me do a field sobriety test

Where you stand on one foot

Raise the other foot six inches off the ground and count to 30

I made it to whoo

Is that going to be close enough?

Well, it wasn't close enough

So they call in for my arrest record

There's some good news

Satellites are linking up in outer space

Computer banks at NASA are kicking on

There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

This part takes a while

Shorthand, beep

Now I told you that story to tell you this story

When I was 17 years old, I was arrested for being drunk in public

There kind of seems to be a pattern there, Ron

If you knew Morris Code, you'd already know that

And one DWI which was a bogus charge

Because it turns out they were stopping every vehicle

Traveling down that particular sidewalk

And that's profiling, and profiling is wrong

On the drunken public charge in Fritch, Texas

The arresting officer who I had literally known

All my life, you know what I mean?

This guy lived four doors down from me

In a town of less than 400 people

We've met

He takes me to jail and when we get there

He asked me if I have any aliases

And I was just being a smart ass and said

Yeah, they call me Tater Salad

17 years later in New York City

I'm handcuffed on a bench with blood coming out of my nose

And this cop goes, "Are you Ron Tater Salad White?"

You caught me

You caught the Tater

Thanks a lot

You guys are a lot of fun, thank you

Now, that's good