I Can't Perform Classical Music

I wouldn't say that I often get nervous

As a performer, it would do me a disservice

But don't be expecting to take off your hats and all

When I play a piece of music that's classical!

I don't know why all in all it's such a struggle

If classical music's magic, I feel like such a muggle

I've gotta perform an aria? Uh-oh! I'm in trouble!

I don't think I can do it

I struggle so much with my intonation

But please don't comment, that wasn't an invitation

If you critique me, that's too much information

And I don't think I could get through it

If you hand me a piece in sonata form

I'm just gonna tell you that I can't perform

I'm not gonna sight read Nessun Dorma

'Cause my poor face is getting so much warmer

I'm alright with my voice and uke

But if you hand me Bach, then I'll wanna puke

I can't even bear to look at his fugues

And if I get through, it's just a fluke

'Cause

The thing is

I can't perform any classical music

You can take a video but you could never use it

If you do two takes, you could probably fuse it

Together, but on stage I think I'd just lose it

You're gonna have to take my"no" for an answer

It's like asking someone to do ballet when they're not a dancer

You want me to perform La Campanella? I'd rather get cancer!

'Cause I can't perform

I really can't perform

I can't perform any classical music

I just can't perform it, though I love to listen

The harmonious sounds make my heart simply glisten

But when I play fast notes in a passage, I tend to miss 'em

Melismas I'm just not used to

I wouldn't dare touch a reduction of a symphony

There's far too many parts pressed in one little thing, you see

But I bet I could fuddle my way through the timpani

Part of Also Sprach Zarathustra

I can't calm my nerves if the music's pre-1910

I'll get through the first four bars. What then?

All this bloody music written by bloody old white men

Makes my heart really freeze up when

There's some lovely melody of crazy genius

And then as I'm performing, to my inconvenience

I'll need to be taken to hospital to get an intravenous drip

Argh! I can't play! Argh! I've just pulled my gastrocnemius!

Ow! It's a muscle in your calf. Ow. Argh

There's something about music written by the greats

That my vagus nerve and my nervous system hates

Even when performing to a small group of my mates

I seem to be at the mercy of the Fates

If you play a wrong note, that's alright in jazz

If you're doing music theatre, you can cover with pizazz

I can do post-modern and comedy, whereas

I can't do justice

I really can't do justice

I can't do justice to the greats

I'll make a list of my reactions to Liszt

I'll throw out my back when I'm playing Bach

Beethoven'll get me thrown in a doctor's office where the wait's over three hours

I'm hidin' from all things Hayden

Chopin gets me hopin' it'll all be over

And I just can't Handel this!

Oh, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Ooh, dang. Should I say it? Oh, fart

I'm up in arms when I'm playing Brahms

To play Stravinsky, I'll need a stiff drink-sky

Play Tchaikovsky? Nope, I'm off-sky

I'd play you Debussy, but my brain's such a pussy

Give me either Mendelssohn, and I'll be too nervous and I'll end all soon

Clara Schumann? I don't know what to do, man

Moritz Moszkowski? Nope, I'm still off-sky!

I'd play you Shostakovich, but God, look at the time. I've got to go, bitch

Elena Kats-Chernin gets my heart to start burnin

Boccherini? What a meanie

Paganini? What a meanie

Giaochino Rossini? What a

Oh, he's not that bad

But he's got a little weenie

Giaochino Rossini's got a small weenie

God, have you seen it? His tiny peen?

Look

I may be exaggerating, but I'm really not faking

Surely, this reaction is of my own making

It must something I can get over forsaking

I might need a holiday to start taking

'Cause my face burns up, and my hands start shaking

My voice it trembles, and my stomach starts aching

I'll be having a nightmare, but I'll never end up waking

'Cause I can't perform

I really can't perform

I can't perform

Any classical music

I think I'll stick to comedy, but maybe I don't wanna be remembered in this economy

As a classically trained musician

Who can't perform

Classical music

Little star