People often ask me

"Godforbid" they say

"You're quite the ladies man

What's your secret?"

Well

You too can be swimmin' in women

Afloat in seas of ovaries

But more importantly

Knowing whether behind those pretty eyes

You have a diamond in the rough

Or colored contact lenses and a rough stripper named Diamond

Lets recreate the scene: make believe you're at a table seat

Talking playfully to the waitress at your local place to eat

Way beneath the apron, Maybelline

Smell of eggs and cheese, bacon grease

She's a babe, an 8 at least

You want to push the plate of quesadillas off the table

And spread them angel's wings

But you can't say a thing?

If you don't do well with women

They sell prescription drugs on television

May cause loss of appetite

Malnutrition, dizzy spells

And different bells were ringing

And that's where I come in and give 'em a little extra help to get 'em

(You can't get)

You see confidence is key when entering any situation

(In her pants)

We all have insecurities

So why not build your confidence on the insecurities of others?

(But you don't)

Hey, she's going to **** somebody

(Give a damn)

So why not you?

The drunker you are

The easier it is to get laid

But the harder it is to ****

You may have to picture what it is this month

Whoever you've been thinking of

The girl at the Pizza Hut

Midgets, nuns

Whatever little miss it was

And with a little hard work, a little luck

If you haven't given up

Maybe you can get it up

Now a **** is supposed to be fun

Instant gratification, a roller coaster

But no one wants to get stuck over and over

Going home to the roller coaster

It's hard to watch your shows

And do your homework

And when the ride you rode is over

It'll cost more than a roll of quarters

(You can't get)

So pull out!

I know how warm and good it feels

(In her pants)

But its gettin' crowded 'round here

Please, pull out!

(But you don't)

If its not the one you want to stay with

You can avoid the face

(Give a damn)

But not the abbreviation

Taking payments from your paycheck

You can do it, pull out!

Men have what I call a "Columbus Complex"

Other people may have been there

But we still want to feel like we discovered it

So don't tell the number that you done it with

Your summers in Columbia

When you were young and done a bunch of dumb-ass ****

Rambunctious kids

Wait for the second date to cuff the wrists

Sponges, rubber gloves, and whips, oven mitts

Now a well trimmed personal area, that's nice

But why's she so ready?

You don't suppose that she never knows

When she might show somebody?

Now think about that before you go steady

Or maybe at your own wedding

(You can't get)

If she's your girlfriend

Leave her alone with your friends

(In her pants)

Now, I don't expect no virgin

But let 'em try to screw her

If she's flirting, or she ****

(But you don't)

It won't work man

Get rid of her

And get yourself a new girlfriend

Remember

(Give a damn)

The currency exchange rate:

At this party she's an 8

At the club a 7

At my apartment a 10

Environment dictates

The morning after

She may slip to a 3

'Cause some things are better just to lust for

(This concludes the introductory segment of the Godforbid self-help collection.)

Hey, sleep with other races

Help out international relations

(For further behavioral instructions, consult the nearest strip club and/or liquor store. Thank you, and enjoy yourself.)

(If it's not the one you want just let it go)

(If it's not the one you want just let it go)

(If it's not the one you want just let it go)

(This is a good country filled with good people but what good is 'good' in times like these?)