Pretend Best Friend

The odds have built up of the chance you're going down

'Cos you're looking pretty guilty in the court of the crown

And my friend's getting eager to complete this mission

It's better all round just to sign the confession

Doesn't matter if you're innocent or guilty as hell

My friend's got a feeling that you're feeling unwell

Who cares about the truth, the truth's there to bend

Do as I say I'm your only friend

The wicked step father that took a step farther

Played the patron saint in his shining armor

With his sword of power and shield to protect you

Tongue hanging out 'cos he's going to get you

You know I want to hug you, you know I want to kiss you

It's your dear old pop and you know I really miss you

In the pantomime of life look out he's behind you

Says no I'm just here to remind you

Best friend I'm all that you've got

Pretend best friend if you like it or not

Pretend best friend so don't talk to them

You've got to talk to me 'cos I'm your best friend

Call yourself a friend

That drives me round the bend

You call me when you like

And call me what you like

Was it the father or the son or the holy ghost

The butler in the kitchen or the game-show host

The policeman on the corner who'll show you the way

The geezer with a beard comes on Xmas day

Could be your mother or your father or your sister or your brother

Doesn't matter who it is they'll say there ain't no other

Might never see 'em or you meet them every day

But who gives a damn when you hear them say

Best friend I'm all that you've got

Pretend best friend if you like it or not

Pretend best friend so don't talk to them

You've got to talk to me 'cos I'm your best friend