Got No Beard

I once met a man who said he was a fan He wanted to sing in my shanty band But the bottom of his face looked weird (so weird!) There was skin on his chin that I loathed and feared From his crown to ear he was most sincere But you can't sing shanties if you got no beard Got no beard, you've got no beard You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard Got no beard, you've got no beard You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard I once met a girl who heard sea songs She came to the show, and she sang along But the timing of the shout was slow (so slow!) She was graced with a face like the morning glow But a hollar was a blow from the very front row said You can't sing shanties if you can't shout "Ho!" Can't shout "Ho!" you can't shout "Ho!" You can't sing shanties if you can't shout "Ho!" Can't shout "Ho!", you can't shout "Ho!" You can't sing shanties if you can't shout "Ho!" And you've got no beard I once met a man on a weird machine Had wheels and a bell, no mast to be seen He was shouting from a pad of notes (no notes!) And the wheels got caught on his overcoat And he fell from the pier clawing at his throat So you can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat Don't own a boat, you don't own a boat! You can't sing shanties if you don't own a boat And you can't shout "Ho!" And you've got no beard I once met a bloke on a tavern floor He'd had ten beers, but I had ten more And his piggy little face was pink (so pink!) He tried to shout the words, but t'were all out of sync With a voice so bad it'll make you think that You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink Can't hold your drink, you can't hold a drink You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink You can't hold a drink you can't hold a drink You can't sing shanties if you can't hold your drink And you don't own a boat And you can't shout "Ho!" And you've got no beard I once met a sailor all big and broad With an eye-patch, parrot and a long curved sword Had a chest like a powder keg (big chest) But he had both shoes, and he smelled like eggs I expect he would look better with a wooden peg 'Cause you can't sing shanties if you got two legs Got two legs, you've got two legs You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs Got two legs, you've got two legs You can't sing shanties if you've got two legs And you can't hold your drink And you don't own a boat And you can't shout "Ho!" And you've got no beard Well, Anna's got no beard And Dave, he has a bike Robbie's father-in-law has boats, but won't sing on the mic And JD can't shout "Ho!" because his wife takes much offense And Andy's got two beautiful hairy legs But there's no reason good enough not to join us So sing along with the very last chorus Two, three, four Got no beard, you've got no beard You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard Got no beard, you've got no beard You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard Got no beard, you've got no beard You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard Got no beard, you've got no beard You can't sing shanties if you've got no beard And you've got two legs And you can't hold your drink And you don't own a boat And you can't shout "Ho!" And you've got no beard