Billericay Dickie

Good evening, I'm from Essex

In case you couldn't tell

My given name is Dickie

I come from Billericay

And I'm doing very well

Had a love affair with Nina

In the back of my Cortina

A seasoned-up hyena

Could not have been more obscener

She took me to the cleaners

And other misdemeanours

But I got right up between her

Rum and her Ribena

Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky

If candy-floss is sticky

I'm not a blinking thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm doing very well

I bought a lot of Brandy

When I was courting Sandy

Took eight to make her randy

And all I had was shandy

Another thing with Sandy

What often came in handy

Was passing her a mandy

She didn't half go bandy

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

If I ever took the mickey

I'm not a flipping thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm doing very well

I'd rendezvous with Janet

Quite near the Isle of Thanet

She looked more like a gannet

She wasn't half a prannet

Her mother tried to ban it

Her father helped me plan it

And when I captured Janet

She bruised her pomegranate

Oh, you ask Joyce and Vicky

If I ever shaped up tricky

I'm not a blooming thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm doing very well

You should never hold a candle

If you don't know where it's been

The jackpot is in the handle

On a normal fruit machine

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

Who's their favourite brickie

I'm not a common thicky

I'm Billericay Dickie

And I'm doing very well

I know a lovely old toe-rag

Obliging and noblesse

Kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness

My given name is Dickie

I come from Billericay

I thought you'd never guess

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

A pair of squeaky chickies

I'm not a flaming thicky

I'm Billericay Dicky

And I'm doing very well

Oh golly, oh gosh

Come and lie on the couch

With a nice bit of posh

From Burnham-on-Crouch

My given name is Dickie

I come from Billericay

And I ain't a slouch

So, you ask Joyce and Vicky

About Billericay Dickie

I ain't an effing thicky

You ask Joyce and Vicky

I'm doing very well