Wouldn't it be so wonderful if you were to touch yourself

I'd like to take a photograph of you as you touch yourself

Why risk the danger of sex with a stranger, when you can touch yourself?

No one will tease you, and know how to please you

Go on and touch yourself

Wouldn't it be so wonderful if you were to touch yourself

I'd like to take a photograph of you as you touch yourself

Why risk rejection, or an infection, when you can touch yourself?

There's no need for showers, candy, or flowers

It's easy to touch yourself

Why bother dating, it's so frustrating

Stay home and touch yourself (yeah)

You'll save lots of money, you can call yourself honey the night when you touch yourself (awooga!)

Wouldn't it be so wonderful if you were to touch yourself

I'd like to take a photograph of you as you touch yourself

Wouldn't it be so wonderful if you were to touch yourself (One more time for Dan Quayle!)

Wouldn't it be so wonderful if you were to touch yourself (yeah!)