Lose a Friend

I'm still frozen on the deck I'm still sprinting down the hall His hands still push down on my head By the fence at governors ball And I guess I still pretend It doesn't all feel like my fault And I still sit outside that house Let him kiss me in his car I'm still dying to get out He's still pushing me too far I still wish that I turned down All those drinks back at the bar Why's it so hard I didn't wanna make a big deal I didn't wanna lose a friend I didn't wanna make it this real And have to feel it all again I didn't wanna make a big deal But it's a big deal in the end It's a big deal in the end I'm still cringing at a name I'm still lying in a bed Trying not to let my brain Hear the way my heart objects I washed the clothes but to this day I never put them on again, again I didn't wanna make a big deal I didn't wanna lose a friend I didn't wanna make it this real And have to feel it all again I didn't wanna make a big deal But it's a big deal in the end It's a big deal in the end You're not my fucking friend You're not my fucking friend You're not my fucking friend I'm still twenty, I'm still ten I'm still noticing the hurt Cause I remembered everything I just never found the words