Master of the House

My band of soaks, my den of dissolutes My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts My sons of whores (no, no, no, no, not tonight) Spend their lives in my inn Homing pigeons homing in They fly through my doors And they crawl out on all fours Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town As for the rest, all of them crooks: Rooking their guests and cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house, doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon-viveur Glad to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price! Master of the house, keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve them of a sou or two Watering the wine, making up the weight Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end! Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye Never was a passerby to pass him by Servant to the poor, butler to the great Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate! Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone! Food beyond compare Food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges Plus, some little extras on the side! (Oh Santa!) Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!) Here a little slice, there a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks I knows How it all increases, all those bits and pieces Jesus! It's amazing how it grows! (Oh, sorry love, must get something done about that) I used to dream that I would meet a prince But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since? Master of the house? Isn't worth my spit! Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shit! Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house! Master of the house! Master and a half! Comforter, philosopher Don't make me laugh! Servant to the poor, butler to the great Hypocrite and toady and inebriate! Everybody bless the landlord! Everybody bless his spouse! Everybody raise a glass Raise it up the master's arse Everybody raise a glass to the Master of the House!