Funny Honey

For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion

Dedicated to her dear husband, Amos

Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong

But he doesn't care, he'll string along

He loves me so, that funny honey of mine

Sometimes I'm down, sometimes I'm up

But he follows 'round like some droopy-eyed pup

He loves me so, that funny honey of mine

He ain't no sheik

That's no great physique

And Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

But look at that soul

I tell you, that whole

Is a whole lot greater than the sum of his parts

And if you knew him like me

I know you'd agree

What if the world slandered my name?

Why, he'd be right there, taking the blame

He loves me so, and it all suits me fine

That funny, sunny, honey, hubby of mine

I mean, supposin', just supposin' he had violated her or somethin'

You know what I mean? Violated

I know what you mean

Or somethin'? Think how terrible that would've been

It's a good thing I got home from work on time, I'm telling you that

He loves me so, that funny honey of mine

I say, I'm telling you that

Name of deceased, Fred Casely

Fred Casely? How could he be a burglar?

My wife knows him, he sold us our furniture

He gave us ten percent off

Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

You told me he was a burglar

You mean he was dead when you got home?

She had him covered in a sheet

And she's tellin' me some cock-and-bull story about this burglar

And how I oughtta say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off

"Help me, Amos," she says, "It's my goddamn hour of need"

Now he shot off his trap

I can't stand that sap

And I believed her, that cheap little tramp

Look at him go, rattin' on me

So she was two-timin' me, huh?

With just one more brain, what a half-wit he'd be

Well, I'm through protecting her now, she can swing for all I care

Boy, I'm down at the garage, workin' my butt off fourteen hours a day

If they string me up

And she's up here munchin' on bonbons and trampin' around like some goddamn floozy

Well, I'll know who brought the twine

Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes, huh?

That scummy

I wasn't born yesterday

Crummy, dummy

I tell ya, there are some things a man just can't take

And this time, she pushed me too far, that little chiseler

Hubby of mine

Boy, what a sap I was