For a Limited Time Only

'This man has a secret he hides from his family An overwhelming desire for the crumbly crispness The subtle flavour of Simmers Rice Biscuits' 'Really darling, electricity costs money! But what's the use of having nice skin if nobody can see it?' 'His wife discovered Simmers Rice Biscuits long ago, have you?' 'For the fresh clear skin you're meant to have, trust the purest toilet soap possible' Yeah, urgent appeal from a drowsy drunk For just three pounds a month You could provide me just enough water To find your saviour and drown the cunt Sale starts Monday Stand out from the crowd with a mound of junk Our dedicated team are on hand daily to sell your baby an ounce of punk Coming soon to a city near you For just fourteen ninety-nine This sweltering mass of electrified cables Can jump start your new life of crime Smother your face in our brand new fragrance Bathe yourself in the fountain of payments This Easter, please spare a thought for my dwindling patience Brand new for your cupboards: spoilt milk tailored for poor mothers Research suggests our cream can make your life 95 percent more butters Have you been wasted for four summers? Surviving on cider and raw uppers Yeah, call our store our spiralling eyeballs come in all colours Have you tried our incredible sputum Shakily tested and chemically proven To smoothen the wrinkling head of a human Renders age a pathetic illusion Gargle this light brown soup Here at the Eye Gouge Group we're committed to providing a service To leave you blissfully blind Lie down troops, lie down troops, lie down troops Enlist now be the best Start a career in dealing death Become a one-legged old bleeding mess If you only call one number today Before your fingers crumble away Before these buildings rust and decay And your clutching a nostril encrusted in K Please make it ours Two for one deals on brains in jars Count your coins, we proudly present our Brand new extensive range of parts Wake up, roll up, feast your eyes Join up now for a free surprise This flick knife comes with a whole bag of drama A getaway car and a free disguise Our brand new formula greases the palms Of your well dressed torturer Comes recommended by your top sadist Gassed at the thought of your unspoilt faces Sign up here Free ten pound bet Drain your accounts and consolidate all your remaining debt 'If we call just show us a large Daz packet, answer a simple question correctly And you win five pounds! If you have two large or one giant-size, you can win ten pounds!' 'Is your date afraid of lights? No I am, with this ghastly skin, I'm always washing like you told me But even my super new perfume soap hasn't helped' 'Scotch Perkins, by Simmers. Full of goodness, full of ginger and spice and all things nice' Shit, how long had I been watching these? How long had I been staring at billboards Feeding my coins into slot machines I never clocked it was possible to puke for 20 months straight You should've told me, I stubbed out my rolly Something in the air made the room seem mouldy Stare out coldly Belled my bredrin, paid him a visit The rain seems strangely acidic I'm not sure why the burning sensation was vaguely idyllic By the time I sank my last bevvy My jingling wallet felt so darn heavy By the time I reached the end of my street I'd somehow squandered every last penny Every last penny, every last penny, every last penny Dog food, dish cloth, mouthwash, Henny Every trace of the Queen's face ripped into one cascade of confetti I got yard sat down sank deep in my seat and switched on the telly 'And here's another exciting thing to look out for! Our squires are already putting this leaflet through almost every door! It gives you an extra chance of winning the same big prizes' 'Get Fairy Snow for extra white clothes. Fairy Snow forces grey out - forces white in' 'Don't miss this great chance to win big prizes, and remember: Daz washes so white you can see the difference' 'Extra creamy and to pamper the palate pour Carnation over the pudding too' 'It's delicious' 'It's delicious' 'It's delicious'...