The War - Bill Hicks: Song Lyrics, Music Videos & Concerts

The War

201

Standup Comedy

The War was released on January 1, 1992 by Comedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company as a part of the album Relentless

Song Details

AlbumRelentless

Release DateJanuary 1, 1992

LabelComedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company

LanguageEnglish

Melodicness

Acousticness

Valence

Danceability

Energy

BPM

OVERVIEW

LYRICS

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS

Bill Hicks

Performer

COMPOSITION & LYRICS

Bill Hicks

Songwriter

Lyrics

So, I'm from the States, as you can tell by my complete lack of

Sophistication, but that's okay, because I've greased my hair and I'm

A little fucking poet tonight, all right? I'm a little dark poet

That's who I am. And during the, uh, we had this big war thing happen

, I don't know if you caught any of that, but it was a very stressful

Time for me, the war. I'll tell you why: I was in the unenviable

Position of being for the war, but against the troops. And, uh, not

The most popular stance I've ever taken on an issue, I must say

I don't choose wisely always, and yet I'm committed. So, first of

All, this needs to be said: There never was a war. "How can you say

That, Bill?" Well, a war is when two armies are fighting. So you see

Right there, I think we can all agree it wasn't exactly a war. And

Bush, President Bush, a complete surprise, he turned into a demon

Man. When he was first President, they called him the "Wimp President

." I mean, this was the cover of Newsweek: "Wimp President."

Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw. Guy turned into a fucking

Demon, man. "We surrender!" "Not good enough." "We run away!" "Too

Little, too late. We're having way too much fun." Those guys were in

Hog heaven out there, you understand, man? They had a big weapons

Catalog opened up. "What's G12 do, Tommy?" "Well, it says here it

Destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth. Helps us pay for

The war effort." "Well, shit, pull that one up. Pull up G12, please

" -Missile launch sound effect- "Cool, what's G13 do?" "Weapons, for

All occasions." And everyone got excited about the technology, and I

Guess it was pretty incredible, watching a missile fly down an air

Vent. Pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same

Technology to shoot food at hungry people? You know what I mean? Fly

Over Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana." -Missile launch

Sound effect- -Missile launch sound effect- "The stealth banana!

Smart fruit!" And I watched the Iraqian technology. Man, I've never

Felt so good about myself. I look at the fucking bell-bottoms in my

Closet and go, "That ain't that fucking bad, man." What was the

Technology they were buying? Where do they - are those available

Still now? Or where do they - they could get harder shit off the

Streets of New York right now, man. Don't you think one of the key

Prerequisites of a weapons system is, I don't know, the ability to

Aim the fucking thing? Is that - am I - was I - I don't know a lot

About the military, and yet I feel that would be key. What was the

Scud? It was like launching a station wagon at people, man. Some

Buick flying through the air, some Iraqi driving, "Allah!" "Watch

Out, here come one of them Buick Scuds!" "Watch out, watch out! Oh

In the ocean. Those things are so hard to steer." "Allah!" -Buick

Scud sounds- "Allah!" -Buick Scud sounds- "Allah?" -Buick Scud

Sounds- "Allah!" -Buick Scud sounds- "Another Buick Scud." Oh, God

I guess the most amazing thing about the war, obviously the disparity

In the casualties. Iraq: 150,000 casualties. USA: 79. Hahahaha!

Let's go through those numbers again. They're a little baffling at

First glance. Iraq: 150,000. USA: 79. 79! 79? Does that mean if we

Had sent over 80 guys, we still would have won that fucking thing

Or what? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade. "I did it, hey!" Once

Again, though, I was watching the CNN, man. That blew it all, man

All the anxiety. Remember how it started? They kept talking about the

"Elite Republican Guard" in these hushed tones. Remember that? Like

They were the bogeymen, you know? "Yeah, we're doing well, but we

Have yet to face the elite Republican Guard." Yeah, like these guys

Are 10 feet tall desert warriors. -Gunshots- Never lost a battle.

Gunshots- "We shit bullets." -Gunshots- Well, after two and a half

Months of continuous carpet bombing, and not one reaction at all from

These fuckers, they became simply the "Republican Guard." Not nearly

As elite as we may have led you to believe. And after another month

Of continuous bombing, and not one reaction at all, they went from

The "elite Republican Guard," to "the Republican Guard," to "the

Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there

We hope you enjoyed your fireworks show." People said, "Uh-uh

Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world." Yeah, well

Maybe, but you know what? After the first three largest armies

There's a real big fucking drop-off, okay? The Hare Krishnas are

The fifth largest army in the world. And they've already got our

Airports. So, who is the greater threat? People that bugged me in

The States, people said, "Hey, war made us feel better about

Ourselves." Really? Who are these people with such low self-esteem?

They need a war to feel better about themselves. I saw them on the

News, waving their flags. Can I recommend, instead of a war to feel

Better about yourself, perhaps... sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Six

To eight glasses of water a day? I'm not telling you how to live

I'm just recommending that perhaps a better way to feel better about

Yourself. And we can avoid a conflagration. Merely a suggestion

Written by: Bill Hicks

Shazam Footer

Select language:

Company

Legal

Chrome Web Store

Galaxy Store

Follow Us

© Copyright 2026 Apple Inc. and its affiliates | Supplier Responsibility

Loading...