One Day - Tom Segura: Song Lyrics, Music Videos & Concerts

One Day

325

Standup Comedy

One Day was released on April 28, 2017 by Comedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company as a part of the album Mostly Stories

Song Details

AlbumMostly Stories

Release DateApril 28, 2017

LabelComedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company

LanguageEnglish

Melodicness

Acousticness

Valence

Danceability

Energy

BPM160

OVERVIEW

LYRICS

Music Video

Music Video

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS

Tom Segura

Performer

COMPOSITION & LYRICS

Tom Segura

Songwriter

Lyrics

I'm the wor- here's what a piece of shit I am

I, I, I have been fantasizing a lot about people asking

Me how I lost the weight that I haven't lost yet

And like, I just have so many answers

Like, I really enjoy doing- I'm like, in my head

I'm like, "Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle"

Like, "You just gotta make smarter choices, man

I mean, yeah, drink more water

Look at me, I mean, I've never felt better

I have so much energy

If I can do it, you can do it"

And then I eat chocolate soufflé as I have the convo-

I'm like, "Well, like, next year I'll

Probably be ready for this conversation"

Fucking asshole

I don't even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy

I don't

I just wanna be able to make fun of fat people again

And know for sure that they're fatter than me

'Cause like, sometimes now I'm like anybody

I'll be like, "Look at this fat fucking asshole"

And someone will be like, "You're fatter than that guy"

And I'm like, "Oh, really?"

And they're like, "By a lot

Like, you should want his body"

And I'm like, "Oh, fuck, man"

And I also don't- since I'm gonna have a kid

I just don't wanna be like the fat dad

'Cause kids are- you remember that, when we

Were in elementary school in like fifth grade

You're like, "Hey, look at Billy's fat fucking dad"

"Fucking, alright, you fucking batter him

Up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"

Just don't wanna be that guy

I got a trainer

They gave me a trainer, that's a better way of saying that

I joined a gym and they go, "Do you want a free training session?"

And I was like, "Okay, what does it normally cost?"

And they're like, "Like nine hundred dollars"

And I was like, "Oh wow, that's a great deal

Yeah, that's awesome"

The first session is a bait session

It's ridiculous

The guy's like, "Stand up"

I'm like, "Okay"

He's like, "Wow, you're a very powerful athlete

Were, were you pro before?"

And I'm like, "I, okay, yes, I was, I think I was"

He goes, "Yeah, you look like it

I can see all of your muscle fibers, they look really great"

I'm like

And then he's like, "Do you wanna do this all the time?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, absolutely

This is a good boost for me, I like this a lot"

Second session, way different than the first session

Second session, I'm doing burpees

Like, you jump on the ground and then you jump onto a wooden block

I'm running through sand, pushing a sled

And I go, "Is this SEAL school?

What are we doing right now?"

In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes, "Stop"

And I said, "Thank you"

He goes, "You know why I told you to stop?"

And I go, "Yeah, so you don't have to give me CPR, I think"

And he goes, "No, the Holy Spirit"

"What?"

And he goes, "The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop"

And I go, "What did I sign up for?

What the fuck is this?"

And he goes, "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"

And I said, "Is he gonna make me do push-ups?"

And that right there, he got really mad at that

Like, really upset

He was like, "It's not all jokes"

I go, "I said one thing, I can't say one thing?

Alright"

And he tells me to take the big plate, the forty-five pound plate

He's like, "Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back"

And the pier is like three quarters of a mile

And I go, "Nope, not doing that"

He's like, "You're quitting?

You're quitting on me right now?"

And I go, "No, I'm not quitting

It's just that, um, the Holy Spirit, it talks to me too

And it said there's no way I'm gonna make this run

Without throwing up and people pointing and laughing at me

So I'm gonna get a peanut butter protein shake right now

I'm out, man, later"

And I took off

I ain't doing that shit

Written by: Tom Segura

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