How I Got the Calling

When I was still a schoolgirl Standing just about yay high I saw the face of Jesus in a coconut cream pie Next morning There was Mary in a bowl of Special K And ten of twelve apostles in the salad bar buffet Now, frankly I'm an eater And I polished off Saint Peter When my tummy sort of gave a little lurch And I knew beyond all question It was more than indigestion And that's how I got the calling to the Church You found God in junk food? The Lord works in mysterious ways! So I told mine Now, you tell yours Uh... Age before beauty Death before dishonor My mother kicked the bucket in the flood of '38 A falling Steinway piano sent my father to his fate All twenty of my siblings caught the plague by some odd chance And something in the meatloaf got my uncles and my aunts The town I lived in bit it when a freak tornado hit it And the heartbreak took my dog to his reward And I figured, on reflection, I could maybe use protection And that's how I got my calling to the Lord (How I got my calling to the Lord) That's how I got my calling And it was bracing But enthralling And I just knew I'd do as I was bid I'd be overfed And I'd be obviously dead So thank the Lord, I got that calling when I did Now, you! No - them! The folks from Jews for Jesus stuck a pamphlet in my purse I heard a voice while playing Sergeant Pepper in reverse I prayed and then, by golly, my psoriasis was healed People always told me that I looked like Sally Field I had a revelation when I skipped my medication The outfit just did wonders for my frame And Yes it may be odd to get a wake-up call from God But in the end, I got the calling and I came I got the calling and I came (And that's how I got the calling) And gave my life an overhauling (La la la la) And it was loud And firm And oh, so clear Yes, it's quite a jump but I'd be lost Afraid A frump! So thank the Lord I got the calling and I'm here Save the bestest for last-est Uh Oh - she hasn't gone yet Oh, no not me I can't. I didn't - Mary Robert wasn't exactly "called" to the convent, were ya, mouse? Tell her! Well You see I mean, it's kind of like I - Came here as a tot What I mean is- Left here at the door Well Go on And I don't know if I'm- Supposed to be a nun or not It's- Hard to say, but after all, that's what the call is for Right? So Spotlight's back on you, Sister Fess up! Okay Uh... Me and Sister... Sledge We had a ministry, I guess Ah - working at Our Lady of Perpetual... Excess We'd go among the village people every day - well, night Lifting up the sinful and helping the uptight And suddenly one day, it was like, bang! And right away I saw the light And screamed, "Sweet Jesus Christ!" and such And I asked to be secluded in this hellhole just like you did And that's how I got the calling, pretty much How she got the calling, pretty much (And that is how I got the calling) Right (It was sublime) And yet appalling And it was all so right in all respects Sweet as mountain honey And as wild as summer lightning And as warm as woolen mittens And so fierce that it was frightening And as bright as new-cut flowers And as swift as April showers And orgasmic as a night of sweaty sex- I'm sorry Was that out loud? If it never came If all our lives were just the same Well, heaven knows what might have happened to us then But we got the calling Thank the Lord, we got the calling We're so glad you got the calling Amen!