Saturday at the Met

Here's one thing you should know about me My sense of direction is irrefutable It's a trait that's so innate That it's absolutely indisputable I always know which way is North is no matter where I go So I don't understand why I can't find my way through the fucking Metropolitan Museum! I got an email "Dear Deb, we should meet so I can get you back your book" Okay, another email "Dear Deb" (Dear Deb) We should meet somewhere in public so you won't think I'm a crook! At the Met museum in room twenty-one There's a landscape by Monet You can't miss it! So I'll see you there at half past twelve this coming Saturday Okay, first of all: Who doesn't just say "let's meet at Starbucks?" The Met museum is friggin' immense And secondly, the Met's the only place in New York City Where the traffic patterns don't make sense! Sure, they've got a map Oh, excuse me A "plan" as they call it But it isn't worth my spit You'd be better off following breadcrumbs Through this God-forsaken museum Hey, come on, let's go We've got a whole museum to visit We should probably pick on the pace Jason, we are at the Met The thing that makes it special is It takes a while to wander through the place This says to skip this room (Shh!) Turn left and zoom to the suits of armor This says that X-rays show An entire other portrait on the canvas below Isn't that weird? How it just... disappeared? Excuse me, is that a Monet? That's a Manet Monet? Manet! Gah! He wanted to come here He loves it, I know Look, he's running ahead like a kid in a toy store And me, I'm here watching him go He likes the masters While I prefer wackier things So of course we wind up In separate wings I should go find him Not leave him alone But I don't know, lately when he's right beside me I'd rather be off on my own I mean maybe I'm crazy But really, I think he'll be fine If he goes his own way And I just go mine Excuse me, I'm looking for gallery 21? I think this is gallery K K? K Ahh! So much for Saturday at the Met I thought I'd find her here in search of modern art, and yet I'm unimpressed by Klint and Dali It takes a sharper eye to paint things like they're s'posed to be Give me a portrait where a face is a face Don't give me theories about "negative space" Why would I care about what isn't there? Except for where what isn't there is Claire I wish she'd look at this painting (Look at this painting) Describe what she sees (How it you swallows you up like a storm) Is she moved by that column? (Those orangey yellows) Or maybe those trees? (Still keeping you warm) Would she tell me she hates it? (How everything shimmers) Or say something more? (Red and carries you away) Would it change our perspective from the moment before? Why did we come here? I'll never know It's like the colors in this painting might get lost if he came in to say "Hello" Hello Hello Ready to go? Oh Ready, let's go That stupid email "Dear Deb" I don't think I'm gonna ever find my book I've been wandering around for an hour Or well, twenty minutes And I think this was a trick I've been duped into spending my afternoon In this awful, crowded, stupid, ugly horrible museum! You must be Deb!