Two old ladies were sitting on the grass

One shoved a finger up the other one's

Oi!

I had a girl the other night and just as the day was dawning

A crowd came by and they joined in

And our case comes up in the morning

(well there's no sweat anyway, I'm the judge

I'll try em without the other)

Dread and I were sitting in the bath

Dread blew off and made I laugh

(oh look bubbles!)

Old mother Riley she got drunk

She fell on the fire and she burnt her

Oi!

(Musta been too much Guinness

Silly old cow)

In days of old when knights were bold

And ladies weren't invented

A knight drilled holes in telegraph poles

And he had to be contented

(If you'd asked me I'd have given him a tin opener)

A girl who lives next door to me

Sunbathes on the lawn

I'd be over the garden fence

And I always get the

(Tally ho!)

My latest girl is slightly deaf

With her it's never heaven

Her conversation's rubbish

So I always cock a deafn'

(Are you coming darling?

Aye?

That's what they say, too much makes you deaf

Huh?

Oh, well I think I'll go home and take the wife's tights off. They're making my legs itch.)