Gastroenterologist - Jim Gaffigan: Song Lyrics, Music Videos & Concerts

Gastroenterologist

229

Standup Comedy

Gastroenterologist was released on July 13, 2018 by Comedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company as a part of the album Noble Ape

Song Details

Release DateJuly 13, 2018

LabelComedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company

LanguageEnglish

Melodicness

Acousticness

Valence

Danceability

Energy

OVERVIEW

LYRICS

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS

Jim Gaffigan

Performer

COMPOSITION & LYRICS

Jim Gaffigan

Songwriter

Lyrics

[Verse 1]

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm picking on her

'Cause I'm grateful to have her in my life

It's nice to have a partner

Someone looking out for you

You look out for them

Like I did two weeks of shows out of town in December

And when I came home, my wife informed me

That she made me an appointment for the gastroenterologist

If you're unfamiliar, that's the doctor that sticks the camera up your butt

I mean they do other things

But that's what they're famous for

That's probably how they attract people to the field

You like photography?

I got a job you're gonna love

[Verse 2]

I didn't ask my wife to set up this appointment

I wasn't sick, I didn't have any symptoms

She just did it 'cause she was looking out for me

So she casually brought it up

She goes, "Just so you know, I made you an appointment for the gastroenterologist"

And I said, "Just so you know, I won't be going"

She was like, "Why wouldn't you go? It's just a consultation"

I said, "Well it's the principle, I'm an adult, I make my own decisions, thank you"

[Verse 3]

Anyway, so I'm at the gastroenterologist

The doctor starts to describe the procedure

And I said, "Look I should probably let you know

I don't really enjoy getting my picture taken

I would be open to an ultrasound

I think a lot of men are curious what the jelly on the belly feels like"

Anyway, the doctor, he didn't think it was funny

And I knew it was precautionary, so I agreed

So he went over to his computer and he goes

"Alright, my next available appointment is in three months"

And I was like, "Three months?" This was in December

I didn't know if I wanted this procedure hanging over my head during the holidays

"Jim, you want another piece of pie?"

"No, I'm gettin' a camera up my butt"

I don't want some team of doctors be like

"Wow this guy loves pie

Berry, get out here, he's got a half a pie up there"

[Verse 4]

I didn't know what could delay this important procedure

But part of me didn't wanna find out

I didn't want the doctor be like

"Well, the real delay is finding someone to clean the camera, that takes

Turnover in that position's insane

You know, people'll do it once and they're like

You know what? I'm goin' back on food stamps"

Then I was thinking, maybe it's the doctor

Maybe he's like, "Dude, I can only do this procedure once a month

Then I gotta take a week off, sit on the beach

And ask myself why I keep sticking cameras up people's butts

I coulda been a dentist"

Again with the dental reference

[Verse 5]

But in February, I had the procedure

And I think every man in here should get a colonoscopy 'cause I had to

It's not an easy decision

'Cause the best news you can find out

From getting a camera stuck up your butt

Is learning you didn't need to have a camera stuck up your butt, that's the best news

Yeah, we didn't need to do that

We can just chalk that up, one for fun

[Verse 6]

And the day before the procedure, you can't eat anything, and I'm a total pig

So I was terrified

But after I was awake for five hours and I hadn't eaten anything

I wasn't hungry, I was suicidal

I was so bored

I was like, what am I supposed to sit here and feel feelings?

And then at noon and at six PM, you have to drink this serum

That I believe is made by a collaboration of Ex-Lax and Taco Bell

Printed on the side of the serum, it shoulda just said

Drink this in the bathroom

Might wanna grab a pillow and a book

'Cause I tell you, I've had diarrhea before

Was a point where everyone acts like they've never had diarrhea

I don't even know what Jim's talkin' about, do you?

Yeah, I'm the only one who's had diarrhea

And a hotel hot tub, okay

[Verse 7]

Feel like we're at the same hotel

No, I've had diarrhea, I don't wanna brag, no, I've had diarrhea

But calling what this serum did my body 'diarrhea'

Is an insult to the word diarrhea

My body made noises I didn't know existed

At one point, I thought I stepped on a puppy

I was in the bathroom for hours

For hours, checking email, ignoring phone calls

'Cause serum or not, you can't answer the phone in the bathroom

'Cause you can't hide the fact you're in the bathroom 'cause there's an echo

"Are, are you in a well?"

"Yes, yes, I'm down here in a well

Just no kids in this well, makin' sure no kids fell in"

But I kept getting this call from the doctor's office

And I thought there might be important information

Like someone saying, "Do not drink the serum"

So I answered it, and it was just someone confirming the appointment

And I don't know how someone is supposed to sound when they confirm a colonoscopy

But this person was really casual

They're like, "Hey how are you?

So we gonna see you tomorrow?"

What, are we having brunch?

I thought I was getting a camera up my butt

[Verse 8]

She gave me the address, the next morning, I went there

It wasn't at a hospital or a clinic, it was at some building

Just picture where you imagine the black market would harvest human organs

What am I doing here?

And I took an elevator to the basement

There was this huge space with all these makeshift rooms with shower curtains

And I was lead into one, there was all this talking

You know when you're nervous and you think you hear things?

I thought I heard someone go, "I can't believe he's here

I want his kidney"

And I was terrified, and then eventually, an anesthesiologist walked in

He gave me a shot and he goes, "Just wanna go through what's gonna happen

Right now, I'm giving you some medicine which will knock you out

And when you wake up you won't remember anything, you okay with that?"

And against every instinct in my body, I just went, "Okay"

And the last memory I had was just watching the anesthesiologist

Leave the room as I heard someone go, "I want his spleen"

And I woke up and I was fine, I mean I'm pregnant, but I'm fine

Written by: Jim Gaffigan

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