You've Never Had It So Good (From "Stephen Ward")

Ten years back, life was grim

Men were dull, girls were grim

Bowls were thick, food was bland

Sex was old, in the hand

Our idea, all have seem

Any night, Ovaltine

That's all gone, as you see

We're all rich, love is green

You've never had it so good

You'll never had it so often

Go and do what you never thought

A great new brother and sister who'd

You've never had it so good

By the way, did you see Joseph Kennedy had a massive stroke

No, he's a great friend of my mother's

He used to come around all the time during the war

They had quite a lot in common

Oh yes, what?

Both frightfully keen on Hitler

Mariella had a dalliance with the president

Didn't you dear?

Yes, at the the Hampshire house on Central Park

Good looking fellow

Really? What was he like?

A bit preoccupied, still he gave me a hundred dollars

Worked out about seventy five dollars a minute

Do you like S and M?

I don't mind, I love him

Here you can't have it off

With some old English toff

Who is that in the mask?

He won't say, so don't ask

Could be some royal duke

Possibly King Farouk

You've never had it so good

You've never had it so often

Chelsea's buzzing like Hollywood

He made that it's well understood

You've never had it so good

I hope everything is to your satisfaction, mistress

Why are you interrupting?

Did I ask you to stick your oar in?

No, mistress, sorry, mistress

And where's the white sugar?

I thought people preferred brown with their coffee

You thought? You thought?

Who asked you to think?

Nobody, mistress

Go in the kitchen, Bill will be in to chastise you in a minute

Won't you, Bill?

Whatever you say, Mariella

Oh, thank you, mistress

You won't thank me when Bill's finished with you

I'm blowing the whistle for the kick off

Here we go, it's everybody's lucky day

Pair off, it's time to pair off

The whistle goes and they're off

Now's the time for you to show your metal

The last one to close boils the kettle

Spanking, I'm all for spanking

Which stranger am I thanking?

You'll feel so good once you've got all your clothes on

You'll find you are ready for anything

I'm saying, one thing's for sure

You're not going to doze off

It's down on your knees, but no praying

Stroke me, somebody stroke me

Punish me, rod and poke me

Smother me in strawberries and lick me

Ring out your embroidery and prick me

Use me, come on and use me

Don't hang about, abuse me

Just wave goodbye to those dull ambitions

You just have to be ready for anything

GET STARTED

It's time to try those ambitious positions

For once, let's pair off and maid's parted

You've never had it so good

You've never had it so often

Go and do what you never thought

A brand new brother and sister who'd

You've never had it so good

You've never had it so good