I love to smoke

I smoke seven thousand packs a day, okay?

And I am never fucking quitting

I don't care how many laws they make

What's the law now?

You can only smoke in your apartment

Under a blanket with all the lights out?

Is that the rule now, huh?

The cops are outside

"We know you have the cigarettes

Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head"

You'll never get me, copper

I'm never coming out, see?

I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies

So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time

I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way around my neck

I'll be tracheotomy man

He can smoke a pack at a time

He's tracheotomy man

I'm looking forward to cancer, man

I want that throat cancer

That's the best kind

You know why?

You get that throat cancer

They give you that voice box thing

You know what I'm talking about?

Sure, it's scary

But you can make a lot of money with a voice box

Get a voice box

Walk around the streets of Manhattan

"You got any spare change?"

"Here's my whole wallet

Get away from me!"

Imagine a whole family with voice boxes

That'd be creepy, wouldn't it?

They'd be out in that backyard every day during the summer

"Dad, can we go to the beach?"

"Yes, get your mother and the dog

We'll leave right now

Sparky, come here"

Or the ultimate irony

Guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive-thru window at McDonald's

That has to suck, huh?

"Can I help you?"

"Big Mac and a large order of fries"

"Stop making fun of me"

"I'm not making fun of you"

"I'm getting the manager"

"Get the fucking manager

I don't care"

I can remember a time in this country when

Men were proud to get cancer, goddammit

When it was a sign of manhood

John Wayne had cancer twice

Second time they took out one of his lungs

He said, "Take 'em both out

I don't fucking need 'em

I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish"

Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player ever to play the game

He had a voice box

He was the first American to have a voice box

Yeah

"This is Babe Ruth

This is the home of the squad, the Bambino

I smoke twenty-five goddamn black Cuban cigars a day

I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

I fucked eighteen prostitutes a night"

Of course, I'm dead now

I'm up here in heaven

Lou Gehrig's up here with me

God love Lou Gehrig

Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig

Died of Lou Gehrig's disease

How the hell did he not see that coming, you know?

We used to tell him, "Lou, there's a

Disease with your name all over it, pal

There ain't no Babe Ruth disease

I'll tell you that much right now

Have a hot dog and a Hummer

Go ahead, it's on me"

I don't know

Personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said

"Hey, I can drive"

'Cause we tried to be nice to you non-smokers

We fucking tried, okay?

You wanted your own sections in the restaurants

We gave you that

But that wasn't enough for you

Then you wanted the airplanes

We gave you the whole goddamn plane

You happy now?

You own the fucking plane

I'd like an explanation about that one, folks

'Cause I will guarantee you

If the plane is going down

The first announcement you're gonna hear is

"Folks, this is your captain speaking

Look, um, light 'em up 'cause we're going down, okay?

I got a carton of Camel non-filters

I'll see you on the ground

Take it easy"

Actually, more like this

"This is your captain speaking

Smoke 'em if you got 'em"

The filter's the best part

That's where they put the heroin

Only us real good smokers know that fucking secret

Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers

But you just fucking badger us

You know, you won't leave us alone

You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us too

Your little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or a pamphlet

And you store that little nugget in your little fucking head

And then you see us light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't you?

I love these little facts

You know, these little facts

"Well, you know, smoking takes ten years off your life"

Well, it's the ten worst years, isn't it, folks?

It's the ones at the end

It's the wheelchair, adult diaper, kidney dialysis fucking years

You can have those years

We don't want 'em, alright?

And I'll guarantee you if I'm still alive then

I'll be smoking

I'll be in my wheelchair with my adult diapers on

And my twenty-five-year-old non-smoking

Born-again Christian son behind me

I'll be going, "Hey, make sure you wipe this time

I was itching all week, for Christ's sake

And get me some more Whippets

I'm almost out, you fucking pussy

Come on"

'Cause you're always telling us

"Well, you know, if you quit smoking now

Every cigarette takes three minutes off your life

If you quit now, you could live an extra ten years

If you quit now, you could live an extra twenty years

If you—"

Hey, I got two words for you, okay?

Jim Fixx

Remember Jim Fixx, the big famous jogging guy?

Jogged fifteen miles a day

Did a jogging book, did a jogging video

And dropped dead of a massive heart attack when?

When he was fucking jogging, that's when

What do you wanna bet it was two smokers

Who found the body the next morning and went

"Hey, that's Jim Fixx, isn't it?

Wow, what a fucking tragedy

Come on, let's go buy some butts"

It's always the yogurt sprout-eating motherfuckers

Get run over by a bus driven by a guy

Who smokes three and a half packs a day

"Sorry, officer, I didn't see him

I was too busy smoking"