Hello and welcome to I Have Achieved Nothing with me, Beardyman, who hasn't achieved anything. Let's hear from out first caller. Hello caller, what's your name?

My name's Stacey

Where are you from Stacey?

I'm from Essex

Stacey from Essex, and Stacey what do you do in Essex?

I'm a receptionist

And what have you achieved today?

Erm, nothing

Correct

Well done, you win a crippling sense of disappointment and a general lingering malaise

Oh great

Do you really mean that?

No

You disingenuous drone

I like X Factor

Thank you for playing I Have Achieved Nothing which hasn't achieved anything, coming up next-