Just watched a documentary

About Mark Kozelek's tour in 2010

I finished my tea, put on my navy harborcoat

Took my dog and went out for a walk

I didn't feel anything except for a warm penetrating calmness

That I didn't experience for

I guess a year now

I've made tons of friends and had loads of sex

So I suppose I should finally be happy, but I'm not

I'm mortified of every person I've ever had significant contact with

I need a boyfriend but I doubt every relationship I'm in

And I don't think I deserve all the love (time) people give me

I'm afraid of my feelings

I love and hate way too many people at the same time

No matter what I do, my light keeps fleeting

I'm losing traction, the tires are skidding

(The first thing I do every morning is I look in the mirror, I haven't eaten for two days now so I suppose that it's a bit better than usual. I keep lying to my therapist about me changing my dietary habits, but I guess we both know that it's bullshit.)

(September's tomorrow and I'll have to come back to my dorm to all the people that make me feel uncomfortable, to all the feelings that prevent me from staying afloat, to all the choices I've made that I'd rather not look back on.)