I'm Not Okay

It seems like every time I go and try and pick up the mic I rap about the things that don't really affect me in life Like how I'm great at articulatin' my bars that I write Or how the fame will never change a single thought in my mind I rap about how I'm better than any rapper in sight I rap about how how I'd kill 'em on a beat if they even tried I rap about how I'd eat 'em and then make fun of my size I rap about all these mumblin' rappers and tell them to die Because I get so angry that they don't even think when they write But come to think of it, when it comes to thinkin', neither do I I like to act like I'm the greatest to ever ink out a rhyme But who am I convincin'? I like to keep my confidence high But I lie to myself every time that I say that I'm fine Because deep inside I'm scared to write about what's in my mind All these sensitive topics are bottled up really tight And I can't take a sip, cause takin' a sip brings my demons to life I'm not alright, I'm not okay I can't rap about the things that are causing pain It leaves a stain when I put 'em on The paper they don't ever leave my cranium They stay inside brain and multiply into to a greater sum It's like they stay dormant until I force them into the world Then they become the main source of my torment I cannot endure this It aches to my core And it's horseshit 'Cause all I wanna do is just ignore this But I can't and y'all don't understand The type of mindset that it fuckin' puts me in When you ask me to rap an emotional track I have to reach back, to a part of my brain that is black I cannot escape it I can barely take it I can't face all this pain that my heart is taking It's aching every bar I'm saying 'Cause it's hard to make it day to day These scars are saying I'm Not Alright, I'm Not Okay I don't wanna feel today I don't wanna deal with pain Someone take this all away 'Cause I'm Not Okay I'm Not Alright, I'm Not Okay I'm Not Alright, I'm Not Okay I'm Not Alright I'm Not Alright I'm Not Okay No one even knows about this crutch that I have That's why my discography don't have any songs that are sad Because every time I go and try and make one Depression awakens and takes over like a tape worm And it eats away at my soul So many stories that went untold 'Cause I'm not man enough to control my emotions So I bury them all down below I'm not alright, I'm not okay I can't talk about the things that are causing pain I can't talk about the time that I lost my first love And wanted to Shoot myself in the motherfuckin' brain I can't talk about the night that she left me I put a bag over my head to try and suffocate But I backed out, just before I blacked out So my mother wouldn't have to put her own son in the grave I can't talk about the day that I lost my grandma I prayed to God, but now I am lost 'Cause I asked him to save her but the next day He'd take her away and now my faith is gone I often think, is she proud of me? She never even knew about this rap scene She never even knew I swore Never knew about my tour Hell she ain't even know about half of me I'm not alright, I'm not okay Everybody tells me time will take away the pain Everybody tells me life is a just a book of chapters And all I have to do is act like it never happened and turn the page But they don't know that all my pages are the same Every one contains the same info, the same pain The same blacked out window, the same pane The same passed down limbo, the same shame I'm not alright, I'm Not Okay I would trade it all away to write a new page But none are blank, they're all full It's not cool All tellin' me I'll never make it in this game of life and I'm a fool All tellin' me to get up on a pedestal Put a rope around my neck tie it off, and jump until it pulls Smothering me to death Maybe then I'll get some rest But until then I got some more people to impress I gotta put the fake smile on, that fake voice Gotta fake everything just so people pay coin I always say that anyone who's fake that I'd punch 'em in the jaw So I'm hitting myself cause I'm the fakest of 'em all I don't even know how to be real Hell I don't even know who the real me is Maybe when I can finally be still The fake me will cease to exist, and the real me will live I'm Not Alright, I'm Not Okay I don't wanna feel today I don't wanna deal with pain Someone take this all away 'Cause I'm Not Okay