Calm Down Baby

This is for anyone wishin' they could do their entire life over

Quit sulking, you fuckin' pussy

Yeah, yeah, yeah, clown on my accent all you want

I'll whoop your ass, I'll beat your mom's ass

Yo, it's the anti-socialite, not so Christian

That'll talk more shit than bitter and old women

On puny ass rappers with little to no rhythm

Fuck veganism, give me some General Tso's chicken

I write weird songs that got hooks like Journey

And if I grew my hair out, I'd prolly look like Fergie

But I'd never tinkle in my pants while I was on stage

'Cause I was potty-trained when I was 4 years of age

I think a lotta people these days are bitches

I also think that emo and emotional are different

But more so, I hate white girls that talk like

(Ah, hell, nah, girl, I'm gettin' this sick crunk, you know what I'm sayin'?)

I'm not jokin', it's nothin' but bark

I feel lost, can't remember where the fuck did I park?

The world is grey and blue, but what skates me through

Is knowin' that I have a better music taste than you

I used to like Tool till they made the same album

That they made the last time they made the same album

Every time they make a damn album it's the same album really

And only stoners listen to their music, it's silly

I still think The Deftones are dope

And I like Nick Drake on the days I wanna let go of hope

Wilco is great and Ice-T is still clever

And no matter what, it's always Wu-Tang Forever

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

I'm 25, I started rappin' as a sophomore

In those days, I'd hide my cigarettes in my sock drawer

Until I heard my snorin', sleepin' on the green couch

And then I'd secretively sneak out

My first taste of heartbreak was at the park late

One summer night, I had a big crush

On a girl named Sarah, I was gonna ask her out

Till I saw Tim Phillips kissin' her, grabbin' her butt

(Asshole)

I was madder than fuck and walked home

Oh, Tim Phillips smells like cool water cologne

Well, fuck him, his Mustang and all his other friends

I vowed I would never love again

And since then I've dated but fuck that, I can't give nothin'

I'd rather sail alone and have my damn ship sunken

Bein' single's par for the course, I don't wanna cause  a marriage

'Cause I don't want to cause a divorce

It's probably important and it's better for health

Besides, I get the whole damn bed to myself

But what the hell

Everybody yells for me to drop down my guard

No, this heart of mine's for me, it's locked down and scarred

Go home, I don't need me a wife

I'm happily single for life, alright?

My name is Mac Sheldon, I'm a fire sign Leo

Alcoholic, anti-mall, anti-hero

Anti-soccer mom, anti-hipster

Pro-eatin' Captain Crunch cereal for dinner

Pro-taking bong hits to cure your depression

And pro-demo CD, if you got one, let me check it

But never ask me what the hell I'm laughin' about

See ya later, I'ma go take a nap on the couch, alright?

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

Calm down baby, don't you talk because

I don't need lovin' and I don't need help

I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

Well, gee, Mac

What are we gonna do about this Kansan accent of yours?

Well, self, since you're asking in the third person

We're gonna fuckin' keep it

'Cause it makes us pretty

And unique, and beautiful

Like birds

I'll whoop your mother's ass