I Hate Auditioning for Musicals

It's Wednesday Halfway through the week You feel weak, you can't speak And you wonder If you'll do alright It's audition night I hate auditioning for musicals I hate to stand and sing what I've rehearsed I hate auditioning for anything But musicals, of anything, are worst I hate the paperwork and Hate to dance When people sit and Judge your every move I forgot my headshot And I'm wearing stupid pants I guess you'd say today Threw off my groove Waiting in line till your number is read When they call, 'forty-two' You wish you could be dead And as you're walking, so slow, to the door You might trip and then slip to the floor And then poof! You can't dance anymore 'Cause a tendon just tore I hate auditioning for musicals The stress is at two thousand out of five Directors scare me even When they're nice And if they're scary, bury me alive I hate my monologue and Hate my song I should've chosen anything but these One minute's not enough and yet It's much too long I think I've lost all feeling in both knees It's Friday You can't say a thing When you hear your phone ring And your friend's words Give you a heart attack You got a call back I hate the callbacks for a musical Is casual or classy best to wear? Do I get there early or just slightly late? Wait You wanna take my place? I think that's fair I hate cold-readings And my throat is raw From singing till my vision's slightly blurred I need a water bottle, Tylenol, and a saw (don't ask) Before I sing or say another word Everyone else seems so patient And sane As for you All your nerves are corroding your brain You wonder if you are being too shy Or nightmarish, or garish, or dry And you finally ask yourself why Why do I even try? I hate the callbacks for a musical I never know exactly what to think I hate to stand upon a boat of hope For when I see the list, that boat might sink I hate my fingers And I hate my legs, which quiver Like a river Lit on fire I think I'm finally done with musicals That's it, I quit, I'm going to join choir And even if you get in You're still not safe Think of all the things That could possibly go wrong Like the backing track could Cut out in the middle of the- Okay, that's not funny You're not funny You could get terrible reviews Or get mono - that could happen Or you mess up all your cues Because you could choose to slip a nap in 'Cause you're sitting in the green room And it's tricky to keep track there 'Cause no one's ever knowing what's going on When you're back there The show could go so poorly That a person throws an egg Or you do the unimaginable And actually break a leg So you're cast into a cast While the cast has to master a new dance daily But your leg in now in plaster So you can't move any faster Than your garden variety snail, either that Or you try and do a pivot turn And fall right on your tail But the set was not quite finished So you landed on a nail And- Waitwaitwait wait. Go back, go back- Did I say 'garden variety snail'? Are there other varieties of snail Besides 'garden variety'? I don't even know why it even matters. Anyway- What if you fail to meet a quota Or just fall right off the stage Or use pen whenever you wrote A note of Blocking on the pages Of your script Which the director saw And flipped into a rage And they're making you pay for the damages Even though you don't make minimum wage And those scripts are extremely expensive And I don't know why It's Saturday The last day of the week You feel weak, you can't speak 'Cause you saw the list and begin to grin You got in Three months later I hate cast parties after musicals The people and the music and the food I leave three minutes after I arrive Even if my leaving might be rude I hate the process of a musical Auditions, callbacks, practices and shows Musicals are nothing but a stressful mess I'm quite surprised that anybody goes To see them Those people onstage - don't be them If your kids want to join, please free them Tell them no Never audition for a show Just don't