Getting Married Today

CHOIRGIRL: Bless this day, Pinnacle of life, Husband joined to wife. The heart leaps up to behold This golden day. PAUL: Today is for Amy, Amy, I give you the rest of my life, To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever. Today is for Amy, My happily soon-to-be wife. AMY: Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I'd appreciate your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things to do, and not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul, you know, the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is But I thank you all For the gifts and the flowers, Thank you all, Now it's back to the showers, Don't tell Paul, But I'm not getting married today. CHOIRGIRL: Bless this day, Tragedy of life, Husband yoked to wife. The heart sinks down and feels dead This dreadful day. AMY: Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for, a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should-- So listen, thanks a bunch, But I'm not getting married-- Go have lunch, Cause I'm not getting married-- You've been grand, But I'm not getting married-- Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married-- And don't tell Paul, But I'm not getting married today. Go, can't you go? Why is no-Body listening? Goodbye, Go and cry At another person's wake. If you're quick, For a kick, You could pick Up a christening, But please, On my knees, There's a human life at stake! Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life, you know we'll both of us be losing our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday, but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage-- I'm not well, So I'm not getting married-- You've been swell, But I'm not getting married-- Clear the hall, Cause I'm not getting married-- Thank you all, But I'm not getting married-- And don't tell Paul, But I'm not getting married today. CHOIRGIRL: Bless this bride, Totally insane, Slipping down the drain. And bless this day in our hearts As it starts To rain. PAUL: Today is for Amy AMY: Go, can't you go? PAUL: Amy, I give you the rest of my life AMY: Look, you know I adore you all But why Watch me die, Like Eliza on the ice? PAUL: To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever AMY: Look, perhaps I'll collapse In the apse Right before you all, PAUL: Today is for Amy, my happily, soon-to-be wife AMY: So take Back the cake, Burn the shoes and boil the rice. Look, I didn't wanna have to My adorable tell you, but I may be coming Wife. down with Hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint, so if you wanna see me faint, I'll do it happily, but wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral, so thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates, thirty-seven butter knives, forty-seven paperweights, fifty-seven candleholders-- PAUL: One more thing-- AMY: I am not getting married! CHOIR: Amen! PAUL: Softly said-- AMY: But I'm not getting married CHOIR: Amen! PAUL: With this ring-- AMY: Still I'm not getting married CHOIR: Amen! PAUL: I thee wed. AMY: See, I'm not getting married CHOIR: Amen! PAUL: AMY: Let us pray Let us pray That we are getting married That I'm not getting married Today! Today! CHOIR: AMEN!!!