Bad, Bad Things - Anthony Jeselnik: Song Lyrics, Music Videos & Concerts

Anthony Jeselnik

Bad, Bad Things

467

Standup Comedy

Bad, Bad Things was released on September 21, 2010 by Comedy Central Records as a part of the album Shakespeare

Song Details

AlbumShakespeare

Release DateSeptember 21, 2010

LabelComedy Central Records

Melodicness

Acousticness

Valence

Danceability

Energy

BPM134

OVERVIEW

LYRICS

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik

Spoken Word

COMPOSITION & LYRICS

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik

Songwriter

PRODUCTION & ENGINEERING

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik

Producer

Lyrics

My friend Kevin just told me that he has cancer

And I know there was nothing funny about that

But it was the way he said it

Oh, man

My cousin and I used to be really close, like really close

But then last Thanksgiving, he caught me having sex with his girlfriend

And we haven't spoken since

I'm sure he'll get over it eventually, though

You know, I mean, he's only 12

Wait, you know what? I fucked that joke up, I told it wrong

It makes me sound like a pervert, she wore makeup

Whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl

Like whenever I'm about to have sex with a girl

I play it smart, you guys

And I always, and I mean always, automatically assume that she's got herpes

Because then that way, I don't have to tell her about my herpes

I once got a hand job from a girl with obsessive compulsive disorder

It was the best minute of my life

And then the worst 11

One of my best friends, uh, Don, called me up last night

He goes, Anthony, I got a prostitute in my apartment

No money to pay her, and can you help me out?

I said, fine, just this once, you can borrow my shovel

My friend Don is like amazing at picking up women

You know what I mean?

And he's not charismatic, he's not handsome, he's not hilarious

He's none of the things that I am

But he will just go to like a public place

You know what I mean, like a park or something

He'll walk up to a girl, and he'll be like, hey, what's your name?

Olga

Wait, what?

Olga

Olg? Like old with the "G"

He'll go anywhere, he'll go to like

He'll go to like a park, like a public place

And he'll be like hey what's your name

Karina

Karina, that's a great name

And he'll take out a sketch pad

And again, he's not even a good artist, he's nothing

He'll sketch you

He'll sketch you, Karina, in like 20 seconds and hand it to you

And go, here, Karina, this is for you

Now, if you don't give me your phone number, this is what you're gonna look like

And it works

Unless your name is Olg

That's his kryptonite

I once mowed the lawn at a battered women's shelter

If you know what I mean

Before we started dating, my girlfriend was involved in an abusive relationship

And she hated to talk about it

In fact, for the first year we were together

I thought she just really hated high-fives

I'm starting to suspect that my new brother-in-law has been beating my sister lately

Like, I haven't seen any bruises or anything

I don't have any proof

But I went over there for dinner last weekend, and her cooking has gotten much better

So you tell me

And I know, like, I understand it's not funny, it's not cool to joke about domestic violence

I get it, but

Could you guys imagine how amazing domestic violence would be if everyone knew karate?

Written by: Anthony Jeselnik

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