Lucky Like St Sebastian

Once upon a time there was a man called Saul Who persecuted Christians until he saw The work was bearing fruit for the Christians So the man changed his opinions and his Christian name to Paul And he wrote important chapters in the Bible But the blood on his writing hand reeked to high heaven And Paul resolved to die So he wrote to friends in Rome A senator who owed him a favour Asking for an executioner So Paul could make his exit as a martyr The senator sent this answer: He said "Should you be so lucky like St Sebastian Preferring the ache to the aspirin Swooning as they shoot the arrows Through your narrow chest Stripping naked in the Circus Maximus With a martyr-eating lioness Bartering with flesh for a little pain Scenes like this give sadomasochism a bad name" Once there was a man who loved a woman too much To give up hope when he saw she wouldn't touch him with a barge pole He spent his whole life in the Inferno He composed in thirty-four cantos O Dante though I'm anti such romantic speculation I'm your hypocrite reader in the same situation I'm your double, oh me I'm your brother in pain But Alighieri if you'll listen there's a difference Between your Beatrice and my Paula She's anonymous and now a waitress - It's comic but not divine The tragedy is no-one's dying! Should I be so lucky like St Sebastian Going out with a bang, just hear me Whimpering with joy as Mr Death receives his blue-eyed boy Surrender unto Caesar or to God, it makes no odds There's just one thing the martyr wants to say: He says "Tell me, Mrs Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?"