Keep It Gay

Did you get a chance yet to read Springtime for Hitler? Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable! Remarkable! Then you'll do it? Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing. I mean, Max, please. World War Two, ooh! Too dark, too depressing! The theatre's so obsessed With dramas so depressed It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway Shows should be more pretty Shows should be more witty Shows should be more... What's the word? Gay? Exactly! No matter what you do on the stage Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay! Whether it's murder, mayhem, or rage Don't complain, it's a pain Keep it gay! People want laughter when they see a show The last thing they're after's a litany of woe ROGER And CARMEN: A happy ending will pep up your play... Oedipus won't bomb... If he winds up with Mom! Keep it gay! Keep it gay... ROGER And CARMEN: Keep it gay! Couldn't agree with you more. And you have our blessings, Roger, to make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want. So, c'mon, do it for us, please. I'm sorry, Max, but it's simply not my cup of tea. Still, fair is fair, perhaps I should ask my production team what they think. Your production team. Who are they? You'll see. They all live here. GUYS! Come say hello to Bialystock and Bloom! This is my set designer, Bryan. Keep it glad, keep it mad, keep it gay! And here's my costume designer, Kevin. Hello... Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay! BRYAN And KEVIN: We're clever, creative It's our job to see That everything's perfect for Mr. De Bris! Scott, my choreographer... Hi there... And, ah, finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz. Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay Now, they all just read Springtime. What did you think of it, fellas? PRODUCTION TEAM: It needs glamour and glitz! It needs sequins and tits! Roger, I think that Springtime for Hitler would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean, up to now, you've always been associated with frivolous musicals. You're right. I've often felt as though I've been throwing my life away on silly little entertainments. Dopy showgirls in gooey gowns.It's enough to make you heave. Nonetheless, sorry, Max. I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler. Why not? Think of the respect. No. Think of the prestige. No, no, no. Think of ... the Tony! CARMEN And THE TEAM: Tony... Tony... Tony... Tony... Tony! (Groans) What's the matter? Is he all right? He's having a stroke... MAX And LEO: What? ...of GENIUS! I see it! At last. The chance to do something important! Roger de Bris presents History! Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me. It's too downbeat. Roger de Bris presents History! But maybe... ooh... it's a wild idea, but it just might work... I... see... a... line of beautiful girls Dressed as storm troopers, each one a gem With leather boots and whips on their hips It's risque, dare I say, S And M! CARMEN and THE TEAM: Love it! I see German soldiers dancing through France Played by boys in very tight pants And wait, there's more - they win the war! And the dances they do will be daring and new Turn-turn-kick-turn, turn-turn-kick-turn One-two-three-kick-turn! Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it... That is brilliant. Brilliant! I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself, Roger, when I say that you are the only man in the world who can do justice to Springtime for Hitler. Will you do it, please? Please! Wait a minute. This is a very big decision. It might effect the course of my entire life. I shall have to think about it... I'll do it. I'll do it! Sabu, champagne! ROGER, CARMEN And THE TEAM: If at the end you want them to cheer Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay Whether it's Hamlet, Othello or Lear Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay Comedy's joyous, a constant delight Dramas annoy us... ROGER And CARMEN: ...and ruin our night. ROGER, CARMEN And THE TEAM: So keep your Strindbergs and Ibsens at bay... I'll sign... Sign... Sign... Sign... Sign... Sign... MAX And LEO: Sign... Roger Elizabeth De Bris! Keep it gay!! Conga! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la... And so the rule is when mounting a play: Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay!