T.J. Miller

I'm like Pepsi I'm always second best Like Melissa Etheridge I'm usually in a vest I'm like Home Depot If I can't flow There's Hispanics out front Ready to go I'm like Southwest You're free to move around But the only place I'm goin' is D-Town I'm like Mr. Clean I appear out of nowhere Jeffrey Tambor downtown Subtle, no hair I'm like FEMA I always come late I'm like Puerto Rico I'm not really a state I'm like Donald Duck You can't understand a word I'm dangerous and friendly to kids Call me Notorious B.I.G Bird I'm like Maury Povich I make a living off exploitation I'm like Cubans Sometimes I mix myself up with Haitians I'm like Sarah Palin I'm the scum of the Earth I'm like Jaden Smith I was set since birth I'm like my mom's friend Allison Galansky When I have dinner parties I don't invite me I'm like Dave Matthews My fans are all tools I'm like cricket y'all I don't quite understand the rules I'm like an overweight advice columnist/hunter-director of photography I shot 'Dear Flabby' (It was a documentary, it actually won Best Picture at Thundance and South By Northeast. We submitted to Cannies, but it didn't take.) I'm like a claw-machine You usually don't win I'm like that all that's evil and not real You can call me sin I'm like a clown without makeup Still kinda scary I'm like a Scrabble dictionary Cause I'm useless But with a great vocabulary I'm confusing Like when a girl named "Mary" gets married I'm like Gary Coleman It didn't end up so great I'm like pornography I use me to masturbate Flight attendant to ya phone I'll get ya turned off I'm like a creepy doctor Don't turn your head when you cough I'm like a butterface Cause I have margarine on my face I'm like China in a bull shop I'm still outta place I'm like cryogenics No one really knows exactly what I am or if it extends one's own life It's probably just science fiction to help people stave off their fear of mortality you know? I'm like that I'm like Krevin Harbutton No one's ever heard of me I'm an annoying phenomenon I'm like 'Glee' I'm like LA Cause I take my time to crush your soul I'm like New York City I'm already full I'm like Richard Nixon Except I'm a crook Like a blind person with audiotapes I don't do it by the book! I'm like King Kong Cause I sweat a lot I mean nobody ever talks about it, but he probably sweats a lot I'm like Q-tip I didn't make it fuckin' rhyme for real But yo technically I'm not made of steel I'm mostly water I'm mostly water I'm like Cali Swag I'm a one hit wonder I'm like a cold hit without mass appeal I'm 'Six Feet Under' I'm like glasses Since July I've been out of fashion I'm the cultural elite I'm the last intellectual bastion I'm like Elvis Presley Cause I stole that shit I'm like Charlie Parker Cause I'm that 'Bird' shit Yo, riffin's in my blood And it's not about to clot Improvise like the Sun All important and fuckin' hot I'm like a flasher in the cold I always wear two coats I'm like Angela Lansbury I wrote 'Murder She Wrote' I'm like 'Mrs. Doubtfire' I look good in a wig I'm like that farmer from 'Babe' That'll do pig