Kids

I have two daughters and a son, and like daughters

They're all grown at 20 and 24

And the thing about daughters is their whole perspective of man

Is based on the way they interacted with their father

Either he was the first love of their life

Or the man who disappointed them

They're always kinda looking for some kind of reaffirmment

From some fucking no good ass dude

So, so I know I gotta listen to 'em

And it's hard to listen to a woman

'Cause I have been trained

To only listen to a woman when it's something for me

Like, like, like usually when I hear what you say

It's like a blowjob or food

Not with your daughters, you just gotta hear them

And they, they talk a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot

"And, and you know what?"

I bet I will, baby, I know

They're the fucking joys of my life

I love 'em

I go to dinner with them all the time

One time, I took them both to dinner

And I like oysters on the half shell

So I offered my youngest daughter something

She went, "Hmm-mm, I don't like the way they feel going down my throat"

And I was so proud

So proud

And then my oldest daughter went, "I love them"

What a ho you are, you're such a ho

It's funny, man, to go through stuff

Like when my son was three years old

He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which is autism

Now, I knew from a very early age something was wrong with my son

And I suspect my wife did too

But you know women will not accept it like "I don't care what you say"

Like we had to go to five different experts

"I don't care what those people say, I know my child, and he is fine"

I'm like, "This motherfucker ain't fine, ****

He gon' need a helmet or something"

I'm sleeping with the door lock, fuck you

Now put your helmet on, son

Daddy gon' take you to get some ice cream, 'cause

Retarded kids love ice cream

It's fucking true

She start crying, "We have to send him away to a special school"

I'm like, "Baby, we're not gonna send him to a special school

He's gonna go to school with everybody else

People will tease him, but we'll love him through it

Now put your helmet on, son

'Cause you love ice cream"

When he's 12

My wife said, "We're gonna tell him what's wrong with him

Information is power"

This is the time you have Asperger's syndrome

And you learn differently, and things will be confusing

He looked at me and goes, "Daddy, what is she saying?"

"She's saying you're retarded, son, that's the fuck she's saying

Go get your helmet, your daddy gon' take you get some ice cream"

First year of college, my son got a 3.6 grade average

Made the dean's list

I'm proud to say, June 26 of last year

He graduated from a university with honors

Now that was an amazing thing, now, eh?

My wife was shocked, I wasn't

I called him into my room, I said, "Son, how'd you do it?"

He said, "Daddy, you believed in me, so I believed in me"

I was so touched, I called my regular kids in, and I said

"You let a retarded boy get better grades than you

Now put your helmet on, son, daddy gonna -"

He's the most wonderful human being I've ever met

It's an honor to be his father

Like, of all the men I know, out of all the men I know

Young, old, rich, poor

I-I never met a man I respected more than my son

I really don't, it's an amazing thing

But he's the worst fucking liar I've ever seen

"Hey, go tell him I'm not home"

"My dad told me to tell you that he's not home"

"Are you fucking retarded? Yes"

"Should I get my helmet? Will there be ice cream now?"

Now I was on the road, I'd go on the road

He'd always start crying

"Daddy, why you leaving me like so much?"

I'm like "Son, this is what I do for a living

If I stay here, you won't eat"

He said, "If I eat less, will you stay home more?"

I said, "You are retarded, huh, ain't you?"

You guys have been great, thank y'all very much, I appreciate it