High in Church

I'm high in church I'm high in church Oh Lord forgive me This is the worst I'm high in church I'm high in church Oh God please help me This is the worst Went home for Christmas And Brian came over, I was nervous Cuz he brought a bag of shrooms and pot And I'm new to this, I'm just learnin' Got a little too high on accident Yeah that's right, not on purpose Then mom busted in my room And said we have to go to midnight service We're in the minivan And my friends don't understand I'm freaking out here man Trying to remember who I am My mom is talking to me And that's just making it worse We walk into the lobby Oh shit, I'm high in church I'm high in church I'm high in church Oh God please help me This is the worst I'm high in church I'm high in church I'm high as hell This is the worst Went to go grab a pew I'm freaking out, don't know what to do There's an old war vet snoring next to me And I think he's been here since World War 2 I'm peaking here I'm wigging out They know I'm stoned There is no doubt Brian is reading the Bible and laughing I plead for him to cut it out But he's giggling loud, he starts to cry He's turning red, I don't know why He's like a goddamn neon billboard saying "Hey y'all, we're super high" I ask him what his problem is And what's making him laugh He points to a verse that says The Lord opened up the mouth of an ass Oh my God, that's super gross! Why the hell is that in there? My mom shushes both of us And people turn around and stare I take the book from Brian The choir begins to sing It dawns on me that I've never actually read this thing I opened up the pages, and then start flipping through I find it calms me down and gives my mind something to do It says some beautiful things about forgiveness and love 'Til I get to the end when God comes back Wilds out, and straight up fucks Earth up! Holy shit, did you know this? Read this last part, what the fuck? Spoiler alert, God comes back with dragons And murders everyone! What happened to the lovey-dovey stuff from the other verse? Oh shit man, I can't handle this right now, I'm high in church! I'm high in church I'm high in church Oh God please help me This is the worst I'm high in church I'm high in church I'm high as hell This is the worst Need to get where no one can see So I excuse myself to take a pee But in the bathroom my old youth pastor Comes up and stands next to me Oh great, he's probably gonna start yapping about how my soul is eternal But instead he justs asks why my pants are down at the urinal Oops, umm, sorry about that Nice to see you, gotta go Oh my God, I'm high as balls And there's no way he doesn't know Shit is getting out of hand I'm getting higher Need to make a plan Maybe tell mom I'm sick And try to get the keys to sleep this off in the van I scoot back to my seat and notice everyone has stopped singing The pastor asks if there is anyone here who is visiting Mom gets excited, raises her hand I tell her no, but she makes me stand Pastor asks is I'm just here for Christmas And I say "I am" The congregation turns around The pastor asks me how I've been And that's about when The goddamn shrooms decided it was time to kick the fuck on in "Trevor you've really done it now" Holy shit, what's going on? What is that voice? I'm freaking out! "This is Satan and you've summoned me to seal your doom" Whoa, hold up, wait a minute I don't even think I believe in you "I exist within subcounciousness down in your mind But you did drugs and went to church, so now your soul is mine For all eternity! You will never escape my clutch" Okay uh, first of all I think that seems like a little much A joint and couple caps and stems Is that all that a soul is worth? And God made everything I've done tonight! All of it's from the Earth! The mushrooms and the pot, yo He made it all! The nitrous, and the Adderall! Muscle relaxers, maybe a little coke But if that damns me for etenity Then if you ask me the system's broke! Then Satan disappeared, and shrieked a shrieking sound! I sent him back to Hell because I fucking stood my ground! The church stares at me! Their eyes are open wide! And the pastor asks if I'd stop shouting and please go outside Uh, sure. Sorry, it's just that... I'm high in church I'm high in church Whatever man I guess it could be worse I'm high in church That's what I am Sorry mom, I guess I'll be outside in the van Whatever man I'm gonna be out listening to the radio Wake me up when you guys are done