Turning Against the Self

I was drowning myself inside a crystal coffin Filled with rotgut and my white-boy tears I felt bat-shit crazed whenever out of my haze And I lived like that for seventeen years I got the IV flowing into my bloodstream Glowing in the magic of my newfound love And we were fighting a war inside that suburban horror Like those draftee docs in Korea And I was reading Bukowski like the King James Bible Thinking, this is who I wanna become And I was shipping the daylight on an Ambien rail line In an effort to erase what I was And we drank to forget and then we drank to forgive And the practice made us perfect enough But when I closed my eyes and it was bedlam inside We always ended up awash in the flood How have you been coping with everything I heard you cut your hair real short I don't blame you for anything I hope you're doing well It was the turning against the self When he was holding me down and really letting it out Screaming some two-thousand year old verse Regarding Honor Thy Father, drove the wedge even further I was getting some of what I deserved And it would cut me the deepest, man when we would go at it And you'd tell me I was acting like him I didn't wanna believe it, so I'd fuck up your being And then I'd promise not to do it again And again Remember the time that we flew out to Las Vegas With a baggie of some mystery drugs And we spent the whole time just tripping out of the window Sorted some of what was eating us up But then when we got back home and drove in different directions We both started feeling scared alone And from the darkest of origins, little joys that we foraged Left us weeping by the sides of the road I still feel your hurting, like everything Time can't heal all these wounds I see you in my dreams, I'm learning I kept you in a cell But now you're doing it by yourself