Celebrity Stalker

Hello gentlemen, come in, how are you?

Hello

Have a seat

I don't even wanna be here

Your, um, parents are telling me that

You're having some sort of problem

Waste of time

Now, don't worry boys, we all have fantasies

What?

These things are very common

Uh, Mr. Stone?

Yes

Uh, if you could speak into the recorder, how 'bout your name?

Hi, my name is Stu, I got a problem to share, ha

It's kinda personal, you probably won't care, see

I'm in love with Oprah Winfrey and Cher, ha

I got a doll made out of Margaret Cho's hair

Kathy Bates and Edie Falco, now there's a pair

My psychotherapist says I should clear the air

For the average boy or girl, this might be a shocker

Judge Judy called me a celebrity stalker

Hold up, doc, you know I got some problems too

My brain is kinda twisted like my name was Stu the Jew

I like to watch the telly,'specially late at night

My favorite show to stroll to? Gotta be "Facts of Life"

Fuck Lindsay Lohan, give me Mindy Cohan

(And Tootie Juicy Bowie) Now that's a blow jam

Yo man, I'ma grin and bear it

I got a website, fan page, for that hooker Mrs. Gary

I love her and she loves me

Why won't she talk to me?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker, stalker

I love her and she loves me

Why does she call police?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker, stalker, stalker

I wanna slam Fran, hell, she could be my nanny

Star Jones too, huh, I'd like to hit that Fanny

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia? You can have her, I'll take Alice

'Cause she can clean the room when I hit that chick from Dallas

(Victoria Principal) You can call me to your office

Better make it quick 'cause I'll tell you who the boss is

With Mona (Mona!) Now leave me the hell alone-a

I'ma go to the corner, talk to Stu, I got a boner

Back to Stu Stoner, doc, this shit ain't cool

I almost drowned in Delta Burke's pool

I be sittin' in school, covered in drool

Dreamin' of the day I can make out with Paula Abdul

Straight up now, I told her that my love wasn't fake, ha

She wasn't havin' it, the cold-hearted snake

It ain't easy, people think I'm sleazy

I be watchin' TV Land, jerkin' off to Weezy (To Weezy?)

For sheezy, nothin' more would please me

To get Miss Cleo down on her knees-ie

I can't wait for my first date with Bonnie Raitt

Huh, please don't tease me

I love her and she loves me

Why won't she talk to me?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker, stalker

I love her and she loves me

Why does she call police?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker, stalker, stalker

Comin' after you, girl

Yeah, girl, we comin' straight after you, girl

Goin' through your garbage can

All the rest of your trash, girl

Find a banana peel

Yeah, man, even your laundry

All we wanna do is just love you (Love you, yeah)

Just wanna snuggle with you

(La, la, la, la, la, la)

Hey, are your parents traffic instructors?

'Cause you got "fine" written all over your forehead

I love her and she loves me

Why won't she talk to me?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker, stalker

I love her and she loves me

Why does she call police?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker

I love her and she loves me

Why won't she talk to me?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker, stalker

I love her and she loves me

Why does she call police?

Stalker, I ain't no stalker

La, la, la, la, la, la