March 1997

Shut the gate Close the door We're all a little older now I'm sure And Mom said Don't go drinking that alcohol The voids will sink into the walls Of your bloodstream babe I'm addicted to you You're all I need and it kills me that we won't speak like this after two am So pour me a shot I'll live again Shut the gate Close the door We're all a little older now I'm sure And kiss my cheek before it goes I'll miss you my friend But by the AM dear God only knows Won't you listen To me for a fucking second I crave your heartbeat like a nicotine addiction Cocaine The friction The long nights The rifts in the pavement I am drinking The truth always sinks in at this time Won't you fucking listen You're the ghosts You're the voids My souls been trying to fill since that night But I was never taught to fill holes babe So I told my friend Katherine That the one Conclusion I had to the scripture of you and I Was the fact that our hearts could never fully understand each other Fully Fully I mean would we Go back if we had the chance to love again I don't think love is the answer But the question But it was never my choice to lose you dear friend Sometimes I get high and think of us again but even then I'll drink myself to sleep Fast asleep I'll lock you into the brain cells of my memory You see the demons inside my being like to consume me The key is my trauma and my awkward Bruise my bones Most nights I find myself there Alone And my friends say it isn't myself I should blame Most days I claim the rights to victim rather than survivor I tried I lost You got her By your side And I mean that's fine But I still think of us sometimes I try to not think of us sometimes You see I tried to trace the maps back to when I was your everything And one last thing I wish it never cut me open Just to let the trauma bleed again my friend Like the unstitched wallpaper to my ending Which pulsates and foams madly at my mouth It hurts my head In desolate sentences And the loneliness is the one void That aches The fucking same I wish I could erase your name it's stuck In the cells of my brain And I said Katherine That's so fucking stupid To write that I was yours once Maybe it was true Or maybe could have been too I'm sorry I'm not even sure which Tense to fucking use Cus Most nights Most nights Most nights I still think of you And you're free to go now You're free to leave I'm alright alone but I'm not ok here I left pieces of you dear Inside the pictures we always swore we'd finish We never finished I left you in that same picture We painted in March of the first year I left you in that same picture Cus I know you're happy with her Oh You're free to go now You're free to leave I'm alright alone now I'm free to be now Said shut the gate Lock the door We're all a little older now I'm sure