Cabin Fever

Yeah, man this year is fucking killing me Being trapped in this fucking house, I'm losing it Stab myself in the neck to see how quick I bleed out That's how bored I've been in quarantine stuck in a fucking house Good thing I got a pound of drugs up under the couch If I didn't, shit I would've lost my mind by now So bored that I stapled my own dick to the floor Just to see what would happen, now I can't piss anymore So my bladder backed up and exploded up in my body But I picked up surgery as my quarantine hobby So I managed to tape it up and stapled it shut And I rerouted my urethra, now I pee through my butt "Webby, seriously dog, like what the fuck?" My bad I'm on drugs, I'm just making this up (True) I went MILF hunting at Whole Foods with whole plans Hadn't gotten laid in weeks, I was ready to go ham Tried to fuck a cougar but settled for roast ham And by that I mean actually fucking a roast ham I put on a Trojan and grabbed it with both hands And lubed that bitch up with a can of cold spam Gave it a few thrusts, got a quick nut 'Til they called the pigs up, then I just zipped up and I ran (Skedaddle) Now that's a triple pork entendre Probably got like 87 baby mommas That's why I will always stay changing my numbers "Who's my dad?" Hmm nah, I'll just let 'em wonder, kinda kidding But what's a future with some kids in my plans I mean our only common interest is shitting our pants and sucking on tits And regularly having women wiping down and touching our dicks (Yo, you bugging for this) I went on the dark web drunk the other night And woke up with a brand new Ukrainian wife Gotta be honest, at first shit was pretty uncomfortable So I loosened her up with that classic Cliff Huxtable That's a roofie joke, that's cool in 2020 right? No? I'm just tryna keep it light But it's hard to read the room, shit I got terrible sight Can I at least make jokes about transvestites? Or would that make me a dick? Get it? Make me a dick And all these uptight buttholes are making me sick I'm in the gender-neutral bathroom taking a shit Door open, sitting there waving and shit Like "Hi kids, do you like sirens?" Hang around with me enough you'll see police officers and firemen Following me driving, swerving' til they're piling on top of each other As I just speed away smiling 'Cause Webby's so ridiculous, crazy as a bitter bitch That I haven't texted back since I gave her syphilis (Fuck you, Chris) And gonorrhea, I ain't know I was infected But it's all good, at least I've been coronavirus tested Swabbed on my dick and I went and postmarked it Priority mail right to the Wuhan market Pretty sure I'll pass, I've been wearing a mask Am I healthy on a diet, eating nothing but bats (Delicious) On my Ozzy Osbourne, just a child of the corn They mistook me for some kind of devil that's in human form 'Til I bleached my red skin and I sawed off my horns 'Cause all I do is sin, take drugs and watch porn Got a Craigslist hooker just to talk to her Thought it would be chill but nothing could've been awkwarder All I needed was someone to listen to what I said "Get a therapist" she told me while giving me head Yeah I got a lot of problems but I never let 'em get to me Fart on elevators and I blame the woman next to me All for gender equality as long as that includes a bitch Doing my laundry and getting my dishes washed for me Honestly I'm just motherfuckin' kickin' up dust Just to do it, so you can go and lick on my nuts You can find me all high in my car getting puffed Either there or at the dog park sniffing butts Yeah I'm friggin' nuts, do you not get it? Shit I always was, then you add a pandemic When I'm locked in the crib with mad pills, free time and no chill But fuck it, we going crazier still now here's a hook So follow my lead and do what I do Snort a bunch of cocaine and run around nude Jump in the gorilla enclosure up at the zoo Show up blackout to your work interviews So follow my lead and say what I say Piss off any and everybody that's in the way Who gives a fuck? Shit, the world is ending any day Shit, I forgot to write a last line Fuck it