The Point

I kept going from job to job I couldn't go back to Teaching university Again With just a master's degree Those days were gone No nepotistic mom Who could open doors for me In Canada And I couldn't seem to stay interested In any other job In the same way Finally I started my own business Thinking it might allow me To do everything I wanted to do Or everything I might want to do If I only knew what I wanted to do But it was a lot of work And it was taking a long time To build up a regular clientele Of people Seeking tarot readings Or small businesses Seeking websites In an internet Dominated more and more By social media And then there was the music business My business of music Which had never made any money for me Even though I'd been signed to a label And came out with an album And did a little touring On the goth club circuit But I don't want to tour I want to stay close to home Close to my partner And close to watching our television shows Together America's Next Top Model So You Think You Can Dance Whatever And stay close to my meetings Around the corner And then home to... To find something to do Re-record old songs Write restless, honest poetry Or at least as honest as I could be About how small everything felt sometimes Words falling around me Uncomfortably And always searching The job postings And remembering Enjoying working With youth Most of the time And that one summer When I'd managed A recovery house It didn't pay particularly well But it kept me on my toes There was always something going on Always something going down So I searched on Craigslist For youth and addiction And because I wasn't sure About anything I searched for the word maternity Because it would probably be Easier to get into And definitely Out of A maternity leave position Without upsetting anyone And then suddenly I had a job And employees Youth substance use counselors Asking me what I believed About substance use And recovery About prevention Of harm About prevention Of substance use And did I think They were one and the same? I'd started drinking coffee And caffeinated drinks again After 12 years Of abstaining It had just been too difficult To get out of bed each morning Through all my boring Jobs since we came to Canada And it felt like it would be nice To sit down and have a steamy Cup of coffee Get a little buzz going In the morning And it was Nice Even if sometimes I overdid it And got a migraine Which I eventually noticed Only happened when I had caffeine After three In the afternoon So I stopped having caffeine After three In the afternoon For the most part And at the back of my mind I wondered What would happen If I had a glass of wine Maybe it would be like me Starting back on coffee A little bumpy perhaps But no big thing And I began saying in AA meetings That I honestly didn't know What would happen If I drank again But what would be the point What would I gain From drinking again Even if it wasn't a catastrophe What would the point be? What was the point to anything What was the point to me What was the point to caffeine To our new puppy Who just costs money And puts a cramp in our style But whom I find myself loving So much When she looks at me Looks to me For food For affection For fun For a walk Around the park So she can bark And try to attack other dogs Such a naughty little girl At the centre of my world My little My lovely My lovely, little world