it’s 4pm on a monday and i cannot stop sobbing. 

i haven’t been able to eat or sleep or leave the bed for days. crying every single day for the past 20 days.

now that i type it out, that seems like an obvious red flag… something is wrong. 

on paper, my life is nice. 

actually, my life is becoming the very life i have dreamed about since i was a little kid. 

i so badly wish i could engage, appreciate, and truly LIVE this life that i’ve been fortunate enough to experience. unfortunately, there is a seemingly infinite void inside of me.

and a darkness that won’t lift. 

i have never felt this alone and discarded in my life. 

this includes times when i lost friends, family, and even what i thought was my god. 

perhaps those losses just compounded, including my current situational stressors (?). 

or maybe this is unrelated. or maybe i am making it all up. 

i am writing this on my iPhone, 

and can already tell that this text will either end up sounding like a suicide note or like, some pathetic attempt at “being real”. 

it is neither though. the closest thing i can think of to compare this text to is a letter to the universe, 

begging for the aching to let up, the crying to slow, and my ability to function to return.

…

sometimes i am just grateful that i can still cry - because being numb is an even worse reality, and very few people seem to return from that.