album cover
Hot Pockets (Jim's Version)
album cover
Hot Pockets (Jim's Version) was released on June 1, 2024 by Chimichanga Productions, Inc. as a part of the album The Prisoner
June 1, 2024
LabelChimichanga Productions, Inc.
LanguageEnglish
Melodicness
Acousticness
Valence
Danceability
Energy

Lyrics

This summer, my wife and I, we rented a house and, uh
The people we rented the house from
Filled the freezer with Hot Pockets, um
And my kids had never eaten a Hot Pocket before
'Cause, I don't know, my wife wants them to live
And somehow my 11-year-old tracked it down
He brought, he brought it back
He ran over to me and my wife
He's like, "Can I eat this? Can I eat this?"
And I looked at my wife 'cause I have no authority on money
She goes "yes", and I'm like, "okay, okay, go ahead and do it"
And so then he ate the Hot Pocket and he died
Jim, that's not funny
But it is amazing we still eat Hot Pockets
I mean, they did have a recall
I didn't even know you could recall food
I just thought the instructions would be like, "Throw that out"
But the Hot Pocket people were like, "Eh, send it in, we'll fix it"
What? Do you replace the transmission? How hard could it be?
They had a recall of Hot Pockets
'Cause the meat was determined to be unsound
Which, you know, initially you're like
"Yeah, that sounds about right"
But they're definitely hiding something
Is it poison?
It's unsound
I, I wouldn't feed it to a baby
But
When I travel by myself, I still eat them
I go in grocery stores, I'm like, "Oh, I'll get these"
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been
"I'm glad I ate that"
I'm always like, "I'm gonna die
I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face?
My back hurts, ow, my watch stopped"
I was looking at a box of Hot Pockets
They have a warning printed on the side
"I'm warning you just bought Hot Pockets
Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer
You hillbilly enjoy the next NASCAR event"
Hot Pockets! Hot Pockets!
You rarely see that on a menu when you go out to dinner, right?
Let's see, I'll have the Caesar salad and the Hot Pocket
There's no waiter approach
Our specials, we have a sea bass, which is broiled
And we have a Hot Pocket, which is cooked in a dirty microwave
And that comes with a side of pet dog
I-is your Hot Pocket cold in the middle?
It's frozen
But it can be served boiling lava hot
Wo-would that burn my mouth?
It'll destroy your mouth
Everything will taste like rubber for a month
I'm gonna get the Hot Pocket
Hot Pockets haven't been around that long
It wasn't that long ago some guy was in a
Marketing meeting like, "Hey, I got an idea
How about we fill a Pop-Tart with nasty meat?"
"No, it's different from my fish stick and a Twinkie idea
This will be cooked in a sleeve"
You ever cook a Hot Pocket without that sleeve?
I did that once, blew up my house
Explosion Pocket!
Takes three minutes to cook a Hot Pocket
Exactly how long it stays in your system
Momentary Pocket!
There is a Hot Pocket for everyone, you know
There's the vegetarian Hot Pocket
For those of us that don't wanna eat meat
But still would like explosive diarrhea
Diarrhea Pocket!
The Lean Pocket, I don't even wanna know what's in that
Imagine the directions, take out a box, place directly in toilet
Flush Pocket!
My favorite is the Breakfast Time Pocket
'Cause I can't think of a better way to start the day
Uh, good morning!
You're about to call in sick
You can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast
A Hot Pocket for lunch, and be dead by dinner
Dead Pocket!
I keep introducing new ones too
There's the Whole Grain Hot Pocket
As if that's what was holding some of us back
I'm waiting for the healthy diarrhea, thank you
There's the Hot Pocket Sliders
That's a little redundant
There's the Deli Style Hot Pocket
Where they say it's made with real deli meat
And I was thinking, "Damn
What the hell kinda meat we used before?"
Oh, that was iguana meat
No, it's deli iguana meat
But there's always two Hot Pockets in every box
You know, one for you to eat and regret
The other one to have in your freezer 'til you move
Or you can use it as a measuring stick on how drunk you've gotten
Yeah, I'm not eating that
I'm a ride to drive
Let's go to Waffle House
All right, that is off me
Thank you so much for coming out
Written by: Jim Gaffigan
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