I drive past an old woman with permed white hair tending to her garden in the winter

My hands grip tightly to the faux-leather wheel of the 2007 volvo my father bought for me

I arrive at a cafe with all intention of reading a good book and enjoying a flat white

Unfortunately I'm too embarrassed when confronted with a group of personal trainers

Who whilst not very good at school, are now more than proficient at telling people how to exercise

And carefully curating social media profiles

Pretentious soft boy

Pretentious soft boy

All too well do I remember myself roaming the streets, clad in a light blue lacoste tracksuit

The sounds of the eminem show blaring lazily into my ears via my portable sony discman

I continue to convince myself of my superiority, stemming from the transition to skinny jeans when I was 16

A brief stint as an emo is an essential stage in the development of any modern metrosexual

Pretentious soft boy

Pretentious soft boy

I don't care that I'm gaining weight

I don't care that I'm gaining weight

Pretentious soft boy

Pretentious soft boy

One of the pack saunters past me, and I'm smacked in the face with the stench of paco rabanne one million

As I scoff in judgement, I find myself fixated upon the sight of a perfectly defined glute

Suddenly, I am consumed with jealousy