Defrost

I'm working on being the boss

But I'm needing to defrost

I'm so cold to the touch

When people show love, it's hard to let down these walls

The past made me freeze up, more than I already had

I'd tear the barrier, but I'm afraid to open these scabs

Scared to relive betrayal, feel what I already have

If I let history repeat itself, might OD on tabs

One part of me is scared and the other part says fuck it

If it happens, then it happens, but I don't want to kick the bucket

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, rebuilt after being demolished

Now my foundations an ice wall, but I still don't feel too solid

I've really been in the gym some, I guess that's symbolism

In the process of becoming stone cold, I've progressively gained more definition

Bigger than ever before, but that doesn't correlate to my mental

Weary of my love and who I give to, ptsd from past issues

Almost made a connection, but she didn't want to be in it too

Worried I'll stumble into love and then they ridicule

It's a huge situation that has me feeling minuscule

Keep trying to reassure myself, that it's just not for me

My heart was guarded, thought I saw what I wanted, so then my sleeve's where I wore it

This ain't me playing the victim, it's just me telling my story

I would've gone to war for you and you know it, guess I'm just disgusted on how you ignored it

I'm done hiding, don't need a dose of psilocybin

To hallucinate

Been losing faith, and now I'm slowly sliding out of control

Popped out my hole like a gopher once the sun is shining

My loves declining, I was holding onto hope, hugging my child

But that's been stripped away, questioning why I live today

If she was my new reason, guess that means I'm suicidal

When I think of how it could've went, it hurts so much to think about

Got so much heartache to express, but it hurts so much to get it out

Why do things need to be so complicated

Took accountability, still, you hold onto hatred

What about the feelings of our baby when she grows to be a woman

More than ready to be more than present, prepared to be her cushion

You let me carry her and cherish her, just to say I couldn't

If you were me, I wouldn't do that to you cause I couldn't

It's apparent you can't see me as her parent, despite the good things

that I've done for her and you, but we're not through

I'll keep it pushing