"Have sex on the first date," that's what I want everybody to say

When you're dating, you should have sex on the first date

I feel like, it's where people go wrong a lot

Um, sex, I feel like, is the most important part of the relationship, right?

I mean, you already have friends

You have sex, if it's good to quite good

You're like, "Alright, I can work with this," and then you keep dating, right?

Otherwise, what, you wouldn't have to learn what foods each other is allergic to

You know, or what music they like

It's, it's like buying a car without taking it for a test drive, you know?

You would never do that

You would just kick the tires, and be like, "I'll take it"

Then you get in there, it's pulling to the right

You're like, "I guess I like your finger in the ass now, 'cause that's

I'm gonna have to deal with that for the next two years

Until I can get out of this relationship"

I, I haven't, I haven't been on a date in a long time

It's too much energy, it's the worst

I don't know if you guys have seen that show, um, Love on the Spectrum

But it's, it's a great show

And I'm not saying this in, I'm not saying this in an ironic

Like, it's a show, it's four seasons, two, two, two seasons in America, two in Australia

It's a show where people on the spectrum of autism date

And it's really sweet and insightful

And it shows you that, like, we're all the same

Like, we're all going through the same shit

No matter what your lot in life is

Um, and dating is all the same, so

And, but when I watch it, I'm like

"Man, if I was on the spectrum of autism, I would totally date more"

'Cause they've got it down

They'll just be three minutes into a date

And one of them will just say, uh, "I don't like Thomas the Tank Engines"

And, uh, the other one will just get up and leave

They're like, "Hahaha, that's, not like goodbye or anything, they're just like, alright, like"

And then neither of them are mad

The other one's like, "Oh yeah, cool, yeah, yeah"

And it's like perfect

They're like, "Yeah, this isn't gonna work out

I'm not gonna, wait a minute, talk to you anymore?"

Like

And they have like a doctor on there that's like, coaching them

"Now, the way you want, shut the fuck up"

They know what they're doing

Alright, like, we're doing it wrong

We're doing it wrong, right?

I don't know if anybody's married here

Yeah, long time? How long?

(Fifteen years)

Fifteen years, seems like a long time then, for you

Couple claps, then we'll get to the shit

(Seventeen)

Seventeen? Yeah

Eh, still not very, very nice

Hahaha, I thought, I, okay

This, I don't think it really matters how long you've been together

I don't think that's the true test of like, or the true

You know, the indication that you're in a strong relationship

Like, I don't think that's a question you should ask

You shouldn't, if you wanna see how good a relationship is

You shouldn't be, "Hey, how long have you guys been together?"

You should be like, "Hey, how many more days

Can you stand to be around this person?"

And that should be a big number

If that's a big number, you're in a good relationship

If it's a small number, you know, therapy, flowers

You know the rest of it

Right? 'Cause you're going on a first date

You're not like, "I can be with this person forever"

You're like, "Nah, I can be around this person for one day"

That's what you say

I'm giving them one day, they're giving you one day

And if the date goes well, you're like, "You know what?

Let's add seven days to this relationship

I can be around this person seven more days"

Then you go on a second date

You know, maybe there's a foot massage

That's plus twenty-five days, right?

One of you cooks a meal for the other person

That's like plus thirty

Blowjob, that's like, you know, plus ninety to minus twenty

There's a lot of variation there

That's the sex on the first date thing I was talking about

That's what you do, you say something nice, you do something nice

You're emotionally supportive

And then you, you like, add positive things to it

'Til you get to a point where you're like

"I could be around this person four-hundred-fifty more days"

And I'm gonna tell them I love them

That's what you do, but then something bad happens

They go through your phone while you're in the shower

You know, you get drunk on Thanksgiving

Call your uncle an asshole

Then you subtract a few days, right?

Goes up and down like the stock market

But, I think you guys are figuring out in your head

This is how it works, right?

That's, this is why women on average are better at relationships than men

Not smarter, just more complicated

We don't know what to do or say to add the days

You know, we're trying, we're like

"Hey, you look beautiful in that dress, plus ten days"

I didn't say the most

I didn't say the most beautiful thing I've ever seen

So it's like minus twenty, for some reason I'm at a negative

For some stupid compliment that doesn't even make sense

And we're simple, if you're in a relationship with a man

You wanna add positive days to it

One of three things, this is all you gotta do

Give him a little bit of food, little bit of sex, little less chit-chat

That's the combination

If you were having sex with a guy

Feeding him a sandwich while completely quiet, very creepy

But that's like plus three hundred fifty days

That is, like what is this, whole wheat bread and you put a finger mass?

You know I like that, that's sweet