Three - Daniel Tosh: Song Lyrics, Music Videos & Concerts

Three

1,229

Comedy

Three was released on March 8, 2011 by Comedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records as a part of the album Happy Thoughts

Song Details

AlbumHappy Thoughts

Release DateMarch 8, 2011

LabelComedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records

LanguageEnglish

Melodicness

Acousticness

Valence

Danceability

Energy

BPM

OVERVIEW

LYRICS

Music Video

Music Video

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS

Daniel Tosh

Performer

COMPOSITION & LYRICS

Daniel Tosh

Songwriter

PRODUCTION & ENGINEERING

Daniel Tosh

Producer

Lyrics

So I was walking into Whole Foods recently

I don't grocery shop there, it's too expensive

But I love the smell of lavender

So it's where I get my laundry detergent

Normally when you walk into a Whole Foods

There's somebody outside of the clipboard like

"'Hey, you wanna help pandas keep getting boners?'

On this day, it was like

"Hey, you wanna help overturn Prop 8?"

And I'm like

"Eeh", I just wanted to shop, I didn't, ah

But I noticed there was a really old lady

Walking in behind me

And I wanted to make sure she was asked as well

Like, that I wasn't profiled

This guy's queer, he'll help

And sure enough, she asked

"Ma'am, do you wanna help overturn Prop 8?"

And she's like

"Oh!"

I'm like, "Explain it to her"

To make gay marriage legal in the state of California

She say, "Oh!"

And I can just see 80 or 90 years of sexist, racist shit that she's had to put up with go round and round

I'm praying she falls over dead

Like, "Oh, carpet munchers, no!"

None of which happened

She signed it, I'm an asshole

Do you remember the commercials they ran?

It was a little girl that came running home from school

Ah, and she'd be like, "Mommy, mommy, mommy

The teacher said when I get older, I can marry a princess if I want to"

And I'm like, "What are you going to do when your kid says that?"

And every parent in California is like, "Whoa, we're going to have to talk to our kids?

Sorry, queers, nope"

Yeah, that's Esperanza's job

So I want to hire the same little girl

To do commercials for me in the state of Utah

And I want her to come running home

And be like, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy

How come you're nine years older than me?"

Because we learned math, and this doesn't add up

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy"

She's calling out to all of her mothers

And they start coming out of the cabinets

In their little house in the prairie outfits

Trying to explain how open-minded they really are

Compared to who, the Amish?

Am I the only person that blames global warming

Entirely on the Amish?

Are they not a constant reminder

Of how awful life would be without all this great technology?

Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources

I just look at the Amish, and I'm like, "Oh, oh, fuck that

Fill it up, fill it up"

No, no

I'm not going to ride around in a buggy

It's bad enough I have a four-cylinder

But I would like a fireless fireplace

I don't know how you did it, Amish

Apparently, you partnered up with the Wiccans because that is magical

You know the economy's in the toilet

When the Amish can afford full-page ads in every paper

Apparently, butter is recession-proof

Does anyone in here know what I'm even talking about at this point?

The Amish, they make this fireplace that doesn't plug in

There's no fire, but it's pumping out heat

I assume there's a hamster, and they're losing his mind

It's no Snuggie, but it's a great product

Yeah, somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift

Ha, the joke's on you

I enjoy it

Yeah, no, I toss and turn at night

Finally a blanket that's like

"No, I'm going to keep you warm"

It's like having a small child of polio keeping a full Nelson

The perfect pressure

What upset me about the gift is that's all I received

Was one sage green Snuggie

When in fact, I know it comes with two Snuggies and two book lights

Those are 20 dollar values

Where the hell is the rest of my gift?

Yeah

You have until Christmas, or I'm coming to your house

And ripping three-quarters of your fat head off your wall

Not Big Ben, yeah

Ben shouldn't be in the bathroom with anyone

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow

Minus Jesus

Speaking of quarterbacks, Brett Favre

I love that everybody gave him so much grief to retire

Are you kidding?

First of all, you want me to fix the economy?

Because I can, it's very simple

Here's what you got to do

You got to be prepared to work really hard your entire life

And eventually die

And it's the latter that's the biggest problem

No one dies

People live forever

People get to retire at 65

That was an age that was set when people would die at 66

66 and a half

People live forever now and our economy can't afford that

I don't even know how old my grandparents are

But I know that they should be dead

And trust me, they don't want to be alive either

There's not a welcome mat at their front unit in Naples, Florida

There's a "do not resuscitate" nailed to their door

I'm not making that up

Yeah, if you knock on my grandparents' house

And you see one of them lying on the floor, the only thing legally

You are allowed to do is a finishing move

Hadouken!

That would be mine

Brett Favre should retire

Are you out of your mind?

He makes $12 million a year to play a game

Yeah, I'm going to keep playing

Hey, Brett, the whole world thinks you should retire

You said $12 million, right?

Yeah, they can go fuck themselves

I would never quit

Are you kidding me?

What about in four years?

He's not good enough to be a starter

But he could be a backup in the NFL

Do you know what that pays?

About $4 to $5 million

Oh, yep, I'm going to do that

How about 10 years?

Not good enough to be a backup

But he could be on the practice squad

Do you know what that pays?

About $850,000

Oh, yep

I'm going to do that as well

I'll play forever

It'd make the game more enjoyable if people weren't allowed to retire

Athletes don't want to quit either

See some 70-year-old return a punt?

He gets hit, he explodes, he dies on the field with some honor

Yeah

Written by: Daniel Tosh

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