I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country—that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana, or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place?

Are you out of your mind?

Swimmer?

You mean that thing you instinctively do before you die?

Yeah, but he's really fast." It's pretty heroic

The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist.

Because Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in civil court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number, win a championship, and that soul of town in L.

couldn't be prouder.

Yeah, I just hope when parents let their kids run around in number 24 jerseys, they have the decency to be like, "

Well, come on, number eight was the rapist.

Michael Phelps, he won 13 gold medals in Beijing, which I'm told is a lot.

Wait till he competes in the Special Olympics, because he will clean up.

And yeah, he'll get in.

He has an underbite; that's a sign of Down's.

How is that guy shattering world records with that mouth filling with water on every stroke?

Knock it off with shaving your balls; an orthodontist could get three seconds off your best time.

And I don't know all the rules to your sport, but I'm pretty sure your ears can't paddle

And then what did we do?

We awarded him "50 Most Beautiful." I can only assume we were doing a neck-down issue.

Let make a guess—Fergie was on the cover?

Oh, 'cause she's fugly.

You ever seen her?

No one has.

Cameras hold on her about that long before record sales dip.

I mean, she can't sing, and she's ugly?

Thanks for ruining the Black Eyed Peas.

Some of you still like them?

That's because you're 2,000 and late.

I've got a feeling

Kangaroos can't hop backwards.

It's not very funny, but you learned something.

I don't care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that.

You'll be in Australia nine years from now, your friend will get attacked by a kangaroo, and you'll instinctively yell, "

Get behind him!" Like, how did I know to say that?

How did I know to say that?

Am I a wizard?

Have I always been a wizard?

Well, then why don't I have a demon?

I love Snapple facts.

I wish they would hire me.

I'd give them facts that would be silly, like: babies aren't dishwasher safe.

People would be like, "

Oh my goodness, who doesn't know this?" Well, I guess if they keep one baby out of the dishwasher, they're doing a good thing over there.

Thanks, Summer Peach!

No, I prefer the peach

This is my impression of Johnny Depp before he leaves his house at night.

If you don't know, Johnny Depp's 48 years old.

I assume it goes like this: "

Hold on, guys, I'll be right with you.

I have to put on another bracelet.

I only have six on; I want to wear seven tonight.

I know you're in a hurry, but I have to make sure my belt is askew, and my handkerchief is just so, because I'm almost 50 and I love accessories." Cool should have a cutoff, and my vote is 48

The TV show *

Intervention* is like *

Punk'd* for junkies

I like watching movies on DVD.

I don't need all the extras.

I don't need to see alternate endings; they're never that different.

They're just longer, a few more swear words, and a boob that the general public couldn't handle.

If you're going to give me alternate endings, you better blow me away.

Let me watch *

The Mighty Ducks* with my nephew.

Yeah, we watch the alternate ending where they lose the hockey game, then they go back to the locker room, they start doing blow and jerking off on each other.

Emilio's dead in the shower.

You're like, "

Holy cow!

Whoa!

Did you see the alternate ending?" "

No, no, no, they went in a completely different direction.

I think Disney was smart with the original; that alternate ending was a little too heavy for the kids."

That's Disney, always sneaking in subliminal stuff in our movies.

Did you know there's a penis on *

The Little Mermaid* box?

You try to draw Ariel for six months and not put a dick somewhere.

God, I love that fish half!

Liberal!

You ever have somebody close to you die, and you're like, "

Oh, the last thing I said to them was, '

I hope you get dick cancer'"?

Right, that's an awful last thing to have said.

That's why I don't say it anymore.

It's just not worth it

I don't see my mother very often, but when I do, oh, I make sure I end every conversation with something so profound, just in the off chance that she does kick the bucket, I can still have a relatively decent weekend.

Right, but it's hard, 'cause she will ramble on the phone forever about nothing. "

Daniel, I just finished a 500-piece puzzle, and you won't believe this, I did the corners last."

I will believe it, and I gotta go, but I want you to know that you're a rose in a field of daisies."

And she's like, "

I want you to know that you can come out of the closet any day now."

Easy, whore!

I don't say that, then my brother would get everything