album cover
Seven
album cover
Seven was released on March 8, 2011 by Comedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records as a part of the album Happy Thoughts
March 8, 2011
LabelComedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records
LanguageEnglish
Melodicness
Acousticness
Valence
Danceability
Energy

Music Video

Music Video

Lyrics

I don't know what's more embarrassing in this country
That Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana
Or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place
Are you out of your mind? Swimming?
You mean that thing you instinctively do before you die?
Yeah, but he's really fast
It's pretty heroic
The first thing Michael Phelps should've done
When that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist
Because Kobe was accused of rape
And all he had to do was settle in civil court for millions of dollars
Change his jersey number, win a championship
And that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder
Yeah, I just hope when parents let their kids run around
In number 24 jerseys, they have the decency to be like
"Well, come on, number eight was the rapist"
"24 just has a great work ethic-... and an unblockable turnaround"
Michael Phelps, he won 13 gold medals in Beijing which I'm told is a lot
Wait'll he competes in the Special Olympics because he will clean up
And, yeah, he'll get in
He has an underbite
That's a sign of Down's
How is that guy shattering world records
With that mouth filling with water on every stroke?
Knock it off with shaving your balls
An orthodontist could get three seconds off your best time
And I don't know all the rules to your sport
But I'm pretty sure your ears can't paddle
And then what did we do?
We awarded him 50 most beautiful
I can only assume we were doing a neck-down issue
Let me guess, Fergie was on the cover?
Oh, Ugh, 'cause she's fugly
You ever seen her? No one has
Cameras hold on her about that long before record sales dip
You mean she can't sing and she's ugly?
Thanks for ruining the Black Eyed Peas
Some of you still like them?
That's because you're two, 000 and late
"I've Got A Feelin'"
Kangaroos can't hop backwards
It's not very funny, but you learned something
I don't care how drunk you get tonight you will never forget that
You'll be in Australia nine years from now
Your friend'll get attacked by a kangaroo
And you'll instinctively yell, "Get behind him!"
Be like, "How did I know to say that?
How did I know to say that?"
"Am I a wizard? Have I always been a wizard?
Well, then why don't I have a demon?"
I love Snapple facts
I wish they would hire me
I'd give them facts that'd be silly
Like, "Babies aren't dishwasher safe"
People'd be like, "Oh, my goodness, who doesn't know this?"
Well, I guess if they keep one baby out of the dishwasher
They're doing a good thing over there
Thanks, Summer Peach
I prefer the teas
This is my impression of Johnny Depp before he leaves his house at night
If you don't know, Johnny Depp's 48 years old
I assume it goes like this, "Hold on, guys
I'll be right with you, I have to put on another bracelet"
"I only have six on, I wanna wear seven tonight"
"And I know you're in a hurry, but I have to make sure my belt is askew
And my handkerchief is just so, because I'm almost 50 and I love accessories"
Cool should have a cutoff, and my vote is 48
The TV show Intervention is like Punk'd for junkies (whoo)
I like watching movies on DVD
I don't need all the extras
I don't need to see alternate endings
They're never that different
They're just longer, a few more swear words
And a boob that the general public couldn't handle
If you're gonna give me alternate endings
You better blow me away
Let me watch The Mighty Ducks with my nephew
Yeah, we watch the alternate ending
Where they lose the hockey game
Then they go back to the locker room
They start doing blow and jerking off on each other
Emilio's dead in the shower
You're like, "Holy cow, whoa, did you see the alternate ending?"
"No, no, no, they went in a completely different direction"
I think Disney was smart with the original
That alternate ending was a little too heavy for the kids
That's Disney, always sneaking in subliminal stuff in our movies
Did you know there's a penis on The Little Mermaid box?
You try to draw Ariel for six months and not put a dick somewhere
God, I love that fish half
Liberal
You ever have somebody close to you die
And you're like, "Oh, the last thing I said to them was, 'I hope you get dick cancer'"
Right? That's an awful last thing to have said
That's why I don't say it anymore
It's just not worth it
I don't see my mother very often
But when I do, ooh, I make sure I end every conversation
With something so profound, just on the off chance that she does kick the bucket
I can still have a relatively decent weekend
Right, but it's hard, 'cause she will ramble on the phone forever about nothing
"Daniel, I just finished a 500-piece puzzle, and you won't believe this, I did the corners last"
"I will believe it, and I gotta go"
"But I want you to know that you're a rose in a field of daisies"
And she's like, "I want you to know that you can come out of the closet any day now"
Oh, easy, whore
I don't say that, then my brother would get everything
Written by: Daniel Tosh
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