I’m going on a date! It’s kind of a moment. I’ve been single for seven-hundred-and-fifty million years. But, who wouldn’t want me? I’m young, I’m hot, I’m the Earth. I could literally pull anyone. It’s called gravity. I do have an out if things get awkward. Earthquake. I won’t need it, though. I’ve already manifested: This date is gonna change everything!

SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISM, COME SAY HI

LET’S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER, DON’T BE SHY

I’VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED ON A SILVER PLATTER

COME AND SHOW ME HOW SIZE DOESN’T MATTER

SIMPLE AND DIRECT, VERY TOUGH AND STURDY

I DO NOT OBJECT, LET’S GET DOWN AND DIRTY

BUT SOON IT’S OBVIOUS YOU DON’T QUITE DO THE JOB

I THINK IT’S PROBABLY COS YOU’RE JUST A TINY BLOB

BEING WITH A SINGLE CELL IS FUN

BUT I’D RATHER HAVE A PARTNER WITH A SKELETON

I’M A PLANET WITH NEEDS SO EVENTUALLY

I DECIDE THAT ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT THE ONE FOR ME

I want a relationship that’s going somewhere – you know, something with legs. Or arms!

OH I’M GONNA KEEP TRYING

I’LL JUST TAKE IT ON THE CHIN AND REGROUP

THIS IS LITERALLY THE PERFECT CLIMATE

I'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP EXPLORING THE PRIMORDIAL SOUP

IN THIS LIFE NOTHING’S GUARANTEED

ALL I KNOW IS THAT ALL I NEED IS

SOMEONE WHO CAN OFFER ME A LITTLE BIT MORE

IS THAT JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

I’m not picky, I’m naturally selective. I need someone who’s built to survive! Maybe someone with claws… scales… a toothy bite… oh! And a great, big–

HEY THERE, TYRANNOSAURUS REX

MUNCHING ON YOUR RIVALS: SUCH A FLEX

I JUST CAN’T RESIST YOUR RUGGED CHARMS

FROM YOUR SEXY BIG MOUTH TO YOUR WEIRDLY SHORT ARMS

WHEN I HEAR YOU ROAR, I KNOW I WANT MORE

IF I HAD A JAW, IT WOULD BE NOW ON THE FLOOR

ANY MEMORY OF MY PREVIOUS DATES IS GONE

AND I WONDER TO MYSELF: ARE YOU FINALLY THE ONE.?

AND THEN YOU LITERALLY DIE

A GIGANTIC METEORITE FROM OUTER SPACE DESTROYS YOU

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

WE WERE JUST GETTING STARTED

REXY I MISS YOU SO MUCH

I TRY TO GET OVER IT

I END UP GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH THE SINGLE-CELLED ORGANISM

IT’S A BIT OF A MESSY REBOUND

DON’T JUDGE ME

I’M GOING THROUGH A LOT, OKAY?

THAT STUPID METEORITE

WHAT THE HELL

OH INSIDE I AM DYING

I DON’T WANNA START DATING CRUSTACEANS

HOW AM I GETTING THIS SO WRONG?

DO I JUST NEED TO LOWER MY EXPECTATIONS?

IN THIS LIFE NOTHING’S GUARANTEED

ALL I KNOW IS THAT ALL I NEED IS

SOMEONE WHO CAN OFFER ME A LITTLE BIT MORE

SOMEONE SLIGHTLY MORE RESISTANT TO A METEOR

SOMEONE WHO’S A COMPETENT COMMUNICATOR

WITH LOVELY EYES AND BIG, STRONG LEGS AND SHINY TEETH GALORE

SOMEONE WHO EATS MEAT BUT NOT A TOTAL CARNIVORE

WHO DOESN’T SPEND ALL DAY JUST LURKING ON THE OCEAN FLOOR

SOMEONE WHO HAS LIMBS BUT PREFERABLY NO MORE THAN FOUR

WHO LOVES TO STAY AT HOME BUT ALSO LOVES TO GO EXPLORE

IS THAT JUST TOO MUCH?

I KNOW MY WORTH BUT IS IT TOO MUCH?

I'M LITERALLY THE EARTH BUT IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?