Life is weird, and then we decided

Then we decided we're gonna talk dirty

And uh, honestly, is there anyone here with a partner who is good at talking dirty?

You can't vote for yourself

You can't vote for your, "Oh, that was amazing"

Like no, "How does that feel?"

No, you can't, you're not allowed to vote for yourself

Your girlfriend's like, "Shut the fuck up"

(It's not where we want to find it)

It's not, it's okay

Is he good at talking dirty?

Yeah, shut up!

What are you, what are you, what are you saying?

Okay, well, I'm gonna give it a whirl

This is my husband

Trying to talk dirty to me

This is him

(Shh, guys, I need quiet)

I just can't believe you guys took me seriously

Now here we go, here we go, this is him

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm like, I feel like I'm fucking Cookie Monster

What the fuck is happening?

Oh my God, he was so bad at talking dirty

I couldn't have sex anymore, that was it

I was done, I'm like, "You know what, buddy? This is my side of the bed, fuck off"

But then he's such a sweet guy, he's such a nice guy

He's like, "You know what?" I'm like, "What?"

He's like, "I'm gonna practice talking dirty"

I'm like, "You do that"

So I guess I'm gonna say he's getting ready for work, right?

And this is years back, like, you know, like years

And he's getting ready for work and he's all like

"Oh, oh, you are my cum slut, you are my cum slut"

But what he didn't realize is, is that seven-year-old Maddie was standing there

Oh yeah, so later that day, I get a call from the school

Telling me Maddie has been suspended for calling her teacher a cum slut

Now I am, I am freaked out, I, I, I didn't, I don't know this has happened

I phone my husband, I'm like, "I don't know if she learned it from the older kids or the internet, but she called her teacher a cum slut"

And he's like, "Oh, is practicing talking dirty?"

I'm like, "You're a fucking idiot"

"Ooh, cum slut, hold me back, I'm wet now"

I was gonna say, "Have you ever used cum slut?"

But I'm sure you have

Anyway, but you understand, now I gotta go into the school

Like our dirty talking got her into it, I gotta get her out of it

And I go in, and the teacher's there, and Miss McClain's all, "Mmm"

And Maddie's sitting there like, "Mmm"

I gotta tell you guys, the comic in me just really wanted to hear the teacher say it again

I'm like, "Oh, I couldn't understand you on the phone"

"Why does she call you?"

And she's like, "Well, first of all, she didn't call me anything"

She just sort of growled at me like, "Ugh, ugh"

And then she called me a cum slut

And I'm like, "No doubt"

But our dirty talking got her into it, I gotta get her out of it

And the only thing I can think of is cum slut

Cum, cum slut, cum slut is my maiden name

I'm like, "It's Dutch, you know what I mean? Like, two T's and an umlaut"

The best part of this story

Is that the Toronto Board of Education wrote me a letter of apology

Which started off, "Dear Miss Cum Slut"

And now I get my husband to read it to me every time we want to talk dirty in bed

What the fuck is that?

Oh my God, this has just been the best night

Um, thank you so much