When I lost my virginity

Not only could I not get hard

But I also blew my load immediately

To this day I don’t know how it happened

This isn’t coming from a place of judgement

I’m just genuinely curious about the physiology

It’s just one of those things that happened and I never got an explanation

Like when my eighth grade wood chop teacher made the whole class watch a documentary about how 9/11 was an inside job

And then the next day we went right back to learning how to use a buzz saw and an orbital sander

I guess some questions don’t have answers

Life is such a crazy beautiful mystery

We are creatures on the frontier of the unknown

But seriously, I was completely soft

Not even like a half chub

I’m talking like a piece of toast left out in the rain

A marshmallow in a sauna

A wilted flower

And I swear to God, the biggest load I’ve ever seen

Like if someone put a condom on a firehose

And then filled the firehose with Diet Coke and Mentos

And semen

And by the way, it’s a totally normal-size firehose

And it usually works but the fireman was nervous

Because he thought the pussy would be higher up

Laurel H where are you now?

Just kidding, I know you live in Albuquerque with your husband

He seems like a nice guy