album cover
Beautiful
432
Comedy
Beautiful was released on December 7, 2004 by Comedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records as a part of the album Doing My Time
album cover
Release DateDecember 7, 2004
LabelComedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records
LanguageEnglish
Melodicness
Acousticness
Valence
Danceability
Energy

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS
Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan
Performer
COMPOSITION & LYRICS
Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan
Songwriter

Lyrics

Babies beautiful, I hope she's beautiful
Life's a little easier for the beautiful people
Can we admit that? And I think about it
If a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive
You think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly
Like, "What the hell do they want?" Annoyed
Meh! "What are you, in a cult? Get out of here!
So loco somewhere else!"
Beauty affects, yeah, you ever hang around one beautiful person
Almost makes you feel better, but if you hang around three
You're like, "I don't think God even tried on me"
"I must've been interrupted by a phone call or something"
Some people are too beautiful, like Halle Berry
I mean, she's so beautiful whenever she's in a movie
I find it hard to follow the plot
Like when she was in Monster's Ball
Playing that poverty-stricken woman
The entire time I was watching the movie I was thinking
"Why doesn't this woman just become a model?"
"She's beautiful, she gets some pictures together
Hell, she could be the next Halle Berry!"
She is Halle Berry!
This guy's dumb as a rock!
It's not that complicated, but
He doesn't get it
I love when really beautiful people complain, you know?
Occasionally you hear a model say
"When I was in high school, I went through an awkward period"
Are we supposed to feel sorry for them?
That's like going up to a starving Ethiopian and going
"Yeah, I know how you feel, when I was in college, I skipped lunch twice
Didn't have the money, didn't know what to do
See you later, I'm going to Burger King"
That's awkward
We live in a beauty society though
Someone's attractive
We're amazed if they can do anything else
"Not only is she beautiful, she knows how to read!
A reader too! What a double threat!"
We worship beauty, you ever watch a music video
And the lead singer's not attractive?
Aren't you kind of like, "Wow, they must be really talented"
'Cause there's nothing to look at at all
We worship beauty, if, if you don't believe me
Check out a British television show
You ever watch the BBC? Your first impression is
"Where'd they get all these fucking ugly people?
I feel like, these are the people that got the acting jobs
How ugly were the people they turned down?
I feel like I'm watching an Orville Redenbacher commercial"
What if Orville Redenbacher was in the audience?
That'd be awkward, the British are our only allies
Why would he risk that with some stupid joke?"
We are a pretty superficial country
I mean, when you think about it
Remember when the Cold War was ending
And Gorbachev was dismantling the Soviet Union?
The whole world was stunned, but everyone in America, we're like
"Yeah, that guy's got that red stuff right here"
"He's getting rid of nuclear -, can he cover that up?
And they said, "I can't even hear what he's saying
They don't have HairClub in Russia?"
Talking 'bout a bummer for Gorby, it sucks going bald
But to find a big red birthmark under there?
"I am finally leader of the Soviet Union
I might have lost some hair, what the fuck is this? Oh no!"
It's interesting how our views on beauty changed
Can you imagine if Mona Lisa went into a modeling agency today?
"Uh, we're not looking for a janitor
You, you might wanna stress up by TrimSpa"
What was that joke about?
Our views on beauty definitely changed
You know like, I, I, you know, I think Angelina Jolie's beautiful
But I'm 38 years old, and I think, you know
"Is this the woman that I want to be the mother of my children?"
And the answer is no, but then again, I don't need children
Especially if I'm with that crazy bitch, that's wrong
Beauty, it's in our language, too, when things are going to go bad
We say things are gonna get ugly
How are ugly people supposed to respond to this?
Uh, doesn't affect me, I'm heading to Olive Garden
Hey, I like Olive Garden!
What's wrong with Olive Garden?
All, all you can eat breadsticks!
I love the really fancy restaurants
Where the whole waitstaff's attractive
Like you're supposed to think
"Oh, this must be a great restaurant
Our waiter could be a model"
You'd think it'd be the other way around
"Oh, food must be great here, our waiter's fat as shit!
I'm definitely getting an appetizer!
He's probably tried all of 'em"
Written by: Jim Gaffigan
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